New AI Dating App Pairs You Based on Your Deepest Abandonment Issues
SoulMatch.AI promises love at first swipe—then sudden ghosting that feels like home.
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nicola
Professional satirist and absurdity specialist at Filthee.news.
Member since: April 2025
Articles published: 108
Articles by nicola
U.N. Recognizes Mushroom Kingdom as Observer State After Mario Kart Audit
Wartime banana peels and functional rainbow bridges impress global leaders, unnerve NATO.
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CIA Intern Leaks Nuclear Codes on 4chan Fitness Board, Chaos Ensues
Thread derailed by creatine debate. Launch postponed due to gains.
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U.S. Health Insurance Now Covers Half Your Heart
New Trump-backed policy lets Americans pick left or right ventricle. “Because freedom.”
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Pam Bondi Named Official “Emotional Support Prosecutor” for Indicted Republicans
She reportedly calms stressed GOP defendants by whispering legal absolution and handing them autographed Trump selfies.
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OnlyFans Bans Model for Secretly Being a Public School Teacher
She taught English by day, twerked in devil horns by night—until the algorithm caught on.
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Pope Leo XIV Revealed as AI Trained on Scripture and Elon Musk Tweets
New Vatican leader turns out to be a Peruvian-coded chatbot that speaks fluent Latin, empathy, and Python.
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BREAKING: Woman Refuses Emergency Surgery After Realizing She Skipped Her Wax Appointment
Witnesses say she screamed, “Not like this!” before crawling out of the ambulance in shame.
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Musk Fires Himself for Incompetence, Replaced by AI That Hates Him
In a shocking act of quantum self-termination, Elon Musk steps down from DOGE, citing his own meme addiction and appointing an AI version of himself to fix the mess.
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ICE unveils Deport-a-Go™: Patriotism you can pack and unfold
The first collapsible border wall kit hits Walmart shelves, allowing Americans to defend imaginary borders in real-time, without leaving the driveway.
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