President Trump Says He Gets Along Great With Dictators: 'Strong Men, Stronger Handshakes'
While the West worries about alliances, Trump praises his "bro-code" with Xi, Putin, and Kim as "the most stable axis since his Wi-Fi.
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Florida Man Baptizes 17 Alligators in Wendy’s Parking Lot, Claims “They Found Jesus Faster Than My Ex-Wife”
Arrested mid-sermon, the man spoke in tongues, splashed Mountain Dew as holy water, and accused Wendy’s of harboring reptilian heretics.
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Kindergarten Launches 'Nap & Carry' Program to Prepare Tots for “Real-World Recess”
School officials praise new initiative: “It’s never too early to teach muzzle discipline and juicebox respect.”
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Therapy Out, Fermentation In: Urban Liberals Turn to Artisanal Vinegar and Leaf Confessionals
Survey reveals rising trend of emotional outsourcing to decorative ferns and pH-balanced grief tonics.
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Pam Bondi Named Official “Emotional Support Prosecutor” for Indicted Republicans
She reportedly calms stressed GOP defendants by whispering legal absolution and handing them autographed Trump selfies.
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Gun & Geometry: Florida School Launches Revolutionary STEM-and-Shoot Curriculum
Superintendent hails new initiative as "proof that math can kill ignorance—and maybe a raccoon if you're quick enough."
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Trump Signs Law That Accidentally Bans Commuting
“Every American now works from home. Unless your home is China,” says President.
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JOJO Declared “Religious Figure” by 12 U.S. States
Florida now requires JoJo's Bizarre Adventure knowledge to qualify for exorcism licenses.
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