WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark speech from his new Health Gold Tower™, President Trump unveiled the “Patriotic Care Act”, a healthcare reform that allows Americans to receive coverage for only half their heart.

“Most people don’t even use the whole thing,” Trump said. “We did the math. One ventricle? Tremendous savings.”

Starting next quarter, private insurers will offer a "Choose Your Chamber™" plan: left or right ventricle, with deluxe packages for valves, rhythm consistency, and emotional range.

Freedom Health spokesperson Ron Guts described it as “a leap forward in cardiovascular capitalism,” emphasizing that “choosing which half of your heart to keep is a sacred American right—like gun ownership or denying climate change.”

Trump also teased a “Beating Heartcoin™” loyalty program, letting citizens earn crypto discounts every time they skip a checkup.

The initiative was inspired by a Florida pilot program, where patients undergoing bypass surgery were asked to “pick a side” before anesthesia. Results were mixed, but stocks soared.

Critics say the plan leaves millions at risk, especially those needing full circulation.

“Next they'll charge for every lung,” said a Georgia nurse. “Then eyeballs. Then dignity.”

Meanwhile, the White House released an ad featuring a bald eagle flatlining, then coming back to life thanks to “Real American Copays™.”