ATLANTA, GA — The online adult platform OnlyFans has permanently suspended user @CumLaudeQueen69 after discovering she led a double life as a high school English teacher in suburban Georgia. Her real name? Melissa Ann Harper, M.A., certified to teach grades 7–12.

Administrators said the decision came after an AI moderation tool flagged her video titled “POV: You’re failing your Shakespeare exam and I’m not wearing pants.”

"It was a betrayal of platform values," said OnlyFans spokesperson Jasmine Lu. "We welcome nurses, moms, soldiers, even disgraced televangelists—but we draw the line at educators. That’s just perverse."

Melissa had been teaching English Literature by day and uploading “light cosplay and thematic booty content” by night. Her double life remained undetected until a sophomore noticed her voice on mute during a “Romeo & Juliet” Zoom lecture and whispered, “Wait... I’ve subscribed to that moan.”

The incident sparked nationwide outrage—not at OnlyFans, but at the public school system, which apparently pays so little that its teachers have to moonlight on fetish sites to afford Crayola markers and rent.

In an emergency board meeting, the school district placed Harper on unpaid leave, citing “ethical ambiguity, disturbing flexibility, and inconsistent grading curves.”

Melissa defended her dual career in a viral statement:

“I gave my students grammar, structure, and hope. I gave my subscribers elbow grease, lighting gels, and the courage to tip. They’re both forms of education.”

Meanwhile, her subscribers—many of whom work in Congress—have launched a FreeMelissa campaign, arguing that the real obscenity is underfunded schools and puritan hypocrisy.

Harper is reportedly negotiating a new platform deal with Substaxx, a blockchain-based teacher fan site with lesson plans and latex. She says her next content series will be titled “No Child Left Behind... Unless They Forget the Safe Word.”