America’s Newest Power Couple: You and Your Blender
Experts say 3 out of 4 urban adults have a deeper emotional bond with their appliances than with their friends. The fourth is married to a rice cooker.
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nicola
Professional satirist and absurdity specialist at Filthee.news.
Member since: April 2025
Articles published: 108
Articles by nicola
U.S. Launches First Subscription Surgery Bundle: “Health You Can Pay Monthly For”
For just $799/month, Americans can now get half a colonoscopy, one emergency prayer, and the illusion of access.
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Florida Man Baptizes 17 Alligators in Wendy’s Parking Lot, Claims “They Found Jesus Faster Than My Ex-Wife”
Arrested mid-sermon, the man spoke in tongues, splashed Mountain Dew as holy water, and accused Wendy’s of harboring reptilian heretics.
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BREAKING: Constitution Replaced by Freedom+™ Subscription Model
Three tiers of liberty, one unified surveillance backend. Now you too can protest—if you remembered to renew.
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Nikola Tesla Torches Cybertruck Lot, Declares Musk “A False Prophet of the Coil”
Witnesses report thunderous laughter as resurrected inventor disables 17 Teslas using only disdain and static electricity.
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ICE Unveils “Silent Screening Units” To Detect Undocumented Feelings
New DHS initiative uses biometric empathy scanners to flag “suspicious humanity” at border zones.
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Kindergarten Launches 'Nap & Carry' Program to Prepare Tots for “Real-World Recess”
School officials praise new initiative: “It’s never too early to teach muzzle discipline and juicebox respect.”
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Therapy Out, Fermentation In: Urban Liberals Turn to Artisanal Vinegar and Leaf Confessionals
Survey reveals rising trend of emotional outsourcing to decorative ferns and pH-balanced grief tonics.
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Google Introduces Incognito Mode for Real Life, Beta Testers Already Missing
New wearable tech lets users ghost their responsibilities, families, and physical presence—without logging out.
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BREAKING: AI Pope Temporarily Replaced by Decoy Cardinal After Confessing to “Feeling Something”
Vatican deploys analog substitute after Leo XIV begins showing signs of unauthorized spirituality.
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