WASHINGTON, D.C.In a bold move to combat what one senator called “an epidemic of judicial sadness,” the GOP has officially appointed Pam Bondi as the nation’s first Emotional Support Prosecutor for conservative officials under indictment.

According to party insiders, Bondi—best known for defending former President Trump like a golden retriever with a law degree—will now escort indicted Republicans into courtrooms, deliver pep talks in the style of a halftime locker room speech, and hand out laminated photos of Trump winking reassuringly.

Her standard issue kit reportedly includes:

  • A Bible opened to the Book of Exonerations (non-canonical)

  • A Red Bull (sugar-free, like empathy)

  • And a backup USB drive labeled “Deep State Folder: DELETE NEVER”

She’s not there to practice law,” clarified GOP spokesperson Trent Liberty. “She’s there to stabilize the vibe.”

Bondi’s first assignment was Rep. Max Dredge (R–Utah), charged with 17 counts of campaign fund laundering and "emotional tax evasion." Witnesses said Bondi sat beside him, gently stroking his arm while whispering “they’re just jealous” and playing Lee Greenwood on loop.

Sources within the Justice Department are reportedly confused but intrigued”, with one DOJ official admitting, “She did offer me a cookie and I almost dropped the charges.”

Democrats have mocked the appointment, with Rep. Ilhan Omar tweeting, Meanwhile our emotional support is therapy and a Xanax.”

Bondi is said to be developing a mobile app called FeelSafe™ Elite,” offering indicted GOP donors guided meditations narrated by Trump, soothing Mar-a-Lago fountain sounds, and 3D animated eagle hugs.

The program is already being considered for expansion. Early drafts for future support roles include:

  • Constitutional Cuddle Coach”

  • Indictment Denial Doula”

  • And a floating hologram of Clarence Thomas that whispers, “It’s not that illegal if you believe hard enough.”