U.S. Launches “Don’t Get Sick” Wellness Campaign
New federal program encourages citizens to “simply not collapse” under late-stage capitalism.
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nicola
Professional satirist and absurdity specialist at Filthee.news.
Member since: April 2025
Articles published: 108
Articles by nicola
Vatican Braces for JD Vance Visit, Pope Leo XIV Activates Papal Firewall
After Vance’s last papal handshake led to a pontiff’s expiration, Rome prepares for "controlled proximity blessing."
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RFK Jr. Publishes “Blush Away the Bioweapon” from Inside HHS Office
America’s top health official claims proper contouring can “neutralize spike proteins and shame Big Pharma into retreat.”
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Trump Offers “Trump Tower Mecca™” in Exchange for Qatari Jet, Sparks Holy Real Estate Diplomacy
“You give me wings, I give you minarets with my name on ’em.” – President Trump, probably.
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Woman Declares Her Burnout a Spiritual Practice, Gains 40k Followers Overnight
“You’re not exhausted,” she told her audience. “You’re just vibing at a lower frequency.”
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BREAKING: U.S. Launches First-Ever “National Silence Week” to Combat Overexposure to Opinions
Americans encouraged to “shut the hell up” for seven days to reduce nationwide stress levels.
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New Law Allows 90-Day Trial Period for Fatherhood
Men can now return unwanted babies for store credit, emotional detachment, or a podcast deal.
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Man Becomes His Own Boss, Quits After a Month Citing “Toxic Self”
Startup founder struggles with chronic laziness, unpaid invoices, and himself.
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Nikola Tesla Returns, Admits Arson: “I Burned the Self-Driving Cars”
Reanimated genius says the Singularity is “bullshit marketed by cowards with Wi-Fi.”
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Gen Z Pursues Influencing Not for Fame—But to Escape Sallie Mae
One viral thirst trap now worth more than a semester of compounding interest.
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