In an effort to streamline healthcare costs, the U.S. Department of Health and Vibes has unveiled its boldest initiative yet: “Don’t Get Sick. Ever.”

Promoted as a “radically individual solution to deeply systemic rot,” the program offers no coverage, no treatment, and no follow-up—just the inspirational suggestion to “stay upright and mysterious.”

“It’s preventative care in its purest form,” said Secretary of Wellness Robert F. Kennedy Jr., adjusting his aura.

The campaign includes a downloadable pamphlet with helpful tips such as:

  • Avoid gravity.

  • Do not blink weird.

  • Hide pain like a founding father.

Additional advice includes steering clear of eye contact with medical professionals, never coughing on weekdays, and always smiling when bleeding.

Public reaction has been mixed. Libertarians praised the campaign as a “triumph of sovereign bio-choice,” while a nurse in Toledo reportedly exploded from holding in a scream for 36 hours.

As part of rollout efforts, public schools will replace first-aid kits with mirrors and motivational quotes. Ambulances will be repainted with the slogan: “You Good?”

Critics argue the policy favors “those with immortal bloodlines and absurd luck,” but officials insist it’s “inclusive of all Americans who’ve never needed anything.”

No word yet on coverage for falling down the stairs. The Department's official stance: “Try stairs less.”