WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to modernize parenthood, Congress has passed a bipartisan bill allowing biological fathers to legally opt out of fatherhood within the first 90 days after birth.

Dubbed the "Paternal Trial Period Act," the legislation lets new dads assess the baby’s vibe, aesthetic, and sleep schedule before committing to long-term involvement. Those who choose to withdraw can return the child to a Certified Parental Reprocessing Center™, with options ranging from “ghost-dad” to “influencer co-parent.”

“We offer no-fault exits,” said Rep. Chad Renner (R-FL), who co-sponsored the bill while holding his fifth baby for the first time. “Sometimes the baby just doesn’t click with your lifestyle, your Jeep, or your crypto goals.”

Under the new policy, fathers may:

  • Recuse themselves quietly via app

  • Exchange the child for a tax credit and one emotionally distant voicemail

  • Replace their name on the birth certificate with a QR code linking to an apology playlist

Critics argue the policy undermines responsibility. Supporters say it’s long overdue in a society that already allows trial periods for marriage, mattresses, and mobile data plans.

The Pentagon has reportedly expressed interest in applying the model to drone pilots and senators.