WASHINGTON, D.C. — Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has announced the deployment of “Silent Screening Units”, a new set of tools designed to detect undocumented emotional responses in individuals at ports of entry.

The devices—resembling airport security pods—reportedly scan for elevated compassion levels, sympathetic micro-expressions, and "lingering softness in the eyes." Officials describe the technology as “non-invasive, unless you have a conscience.”

“This isn’t just about who crosses the border,” said Acting ICE Director Greg Forcer.
“It’s about what feelings they bring with them.”

The pilot program, launched in three southern states, has already flagged over 4,000 individuals for “unauthorized empathy,” including:
– A Texas paramedic who made eye contact with a crying child
– A nun whose heart rate increased near a detention center
– A congressional aide who said “maybe we’re the bad guys”

The flagged subjects were offered two options: undergo recalibration via cold storage cubicles or agree to stream Fox Nation for 72 hours with no blinking.

The ACLU has filed a legal challenge, calling the program “a dystopian Roomba with ICE branding.”

Supporters, however, say it’s long overdue.

“We’re tired of these emotional loopholes,” said Senator Lance Racket (R-AZ).
“America is not a feelings factory. It’s a well-oiled denial complex.”

A leaked internal memo outlines future plans to integrate AI lie detectors that panic when exposed to undocumented kindness.

ICE has denied the existence of “Compassion Re-education Units,” but has trademarked the phrase Empathy Is Borderless, But We Aren’t™.