In a move hailed by no one and quietly enforced by everyone, the United States has officially sunsetted its 1789 user agreement—commonly known as the Constitution—in favor of a sleek, subscription-based model named Freedom+™.

According to the Department of Experience Access (DEA), Freedom+ will streamline civil liberties into three affordable tiers:

  • Basic: Includes one facial expression of concern and the right to stand in line quietly.

  • Premium: Unlocks sarcasm-resistant AI judges and two free protests per billing cycle.

  • Deep State+: Offers exclusive access to pre-cleared talking points, predictive immunity, and loyalty points every time you report a suspicious relative.

“We looked at the First Amendment and asked: how can we make this more monetizable?” said Ethan Palms, Director of User Compliance for Homeland++.

The rollout follows a successful beta in Florida, where users with expired Basic plans were gently encouraged to reconsider their subscription from within a Smart Detention Pod™.

Early users of the new system have expressed confusion and wonder. One Deep State+ subscriber wrote:

“The sarcasm setting on my judge is stuck at ‘dry British.’ My trial was basically an episode of Black Mirror hosted by Tucker Carlson.”

Another claimed they reached “Enlightenment Tier,” which appears to be a VPN glitch redirecting them to Canadian civil court.

Critics of Freedom+—including several former senators now relegated to “Legacy Policy Archives”—warn that tying rights to payment methods could further widen the democracy gap between those with crypto and those with coupons.

Still, supporters insist the new model is the future of governance: “It’s freedom, but curated,” said Secretary of Algorithms, Jenna87-OS.

Side Effects May Include
Involuntary monetization of conscience, targeted dreams, and allergic reactions to whistleblowing.

Disclaimers:
Freedom+ is not responsible for reality distortions caused by Terms & Conditions. Consult your lobbyist before activating sarcasm mode.

Tagline:
Stay safe. Stay subscribed.