News so fake, it might as well be real
Land of the free, home of the deeply confused.
Arrested mid-sermon, the man spoke in tongues, splashed Mountain Dew as holy water, and accused Wendy’s of harboring reptilian heretics.
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Three tiers of liberty, one unified surveillance backend. Now you too can protest—if you remembered to renew.
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New DHS initiative uses biometric empathy scanners to flag “suspicious humanity” at border zones.
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School officials praise new initiative: “It’s never too early to teach muzzle discipline and juicebox respect.”
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New federal program encourages citizens to “simply not collapse” under late-stage capitalism.
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America’s top health official claims proper contouring can “neutralize spike proteins and shame Big Pharma into retreat.”
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Americans encouraged to “shut the hell up” for seven days to reduce nationwide stress levels.
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Thread derailed by creatine debate. Launch postponed due to gains.
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New Trump-backed policy lets Americans pick left or right ventricle. “Because freedom.”
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She reportedly calms stressed GOP defendants by whispering legal absolution and handing them autographed Trump selfies.
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Every dollar helps us hire more professional liars journalists. We promise to use your money for incredibly vital purposes, like caffeine and therapy sessions.