ORLANDO, FL – In a move that defies logic, theology, and the U.S. Constitution (but somehow feels inevitable), twelve states—including Florida, Texas, and whatever spiritual dimension Georgia currently occupies—have passed emergency legislation officially recognizing JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure as a religion.

The resolution, introduced by the bipartisan House of STANDpendents, grants legal recognition to what lawmakers are calling a “sacred narrative lineage” of “holy anime power transferred through bloodline, trauma, and extremely aggressive posing.”

“We’re not saying JoJo is God,” said Rep. Zachary Zappa (R–FL). “But he’s at least the flamboyant cousin of the Holy Spirit.”

According to leaked documents from the Department of Homeland Spirituality, JoJoism now ranks just below Evangelical Christianity and just above Astrology in federal lobby influence. Certified rituals include anime screenings, divine battle cries, and interpretive finger-pointing.

JOJODAY Becomes a Federally Observed Holiday

April 12 is now officially designated JOJODAY, a day of public celebration, competitive posing, and spiritual monologuing.

Public schools in Florida have already added Stand Mechanics to their science curriculum, alongside “Intro to Meme Theology” and “Biblical Shonen Narrative.”

“Kids don’t need Shakespeare,” said Education Secretary Crystal McJustice. “They need to understand the Joestar bloodline and how to punch a vampire through space-time.”

Governor Ron DeSantis signed the proclamation using a glitter pen and declared: “All citizens shall be judged not by their creed, but by the strength of their Stand.” He then reportedly summoned Stand Your Ground, a humanoid manifestation shaped like an alligator in denim shorts.

Religious Institutions React: Revelation or Cosplay Crisis?

While some megachurches have begun adapting services—replacing pulpits with manga panels and stained glass with GIF mosaics—traditional denominations remain divided.

The Deep Vatican is reportedly in full crisis mode.

Sources confirm that Pope Francis reviewed all eight arcs of the JoJo saga and muttered only, “Ma che cazzo...” before ordering a temporary ban on capes in Vatican retail.

Meanwhile, ex-Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò livestreamed from a life-size Gundam replica, warning that JoJoism represents “the final phase of the Anime Apocalypse,” allegedly backed by George Soros and colorized by AI.

“Dio is literally in the scripture,” Viganò ranted while eating communion wafers shaped like Jotaro’s hat. “How do you not see this?”

Science Community Disbands, Accepts Defeat

The American Physical Society submitted a collective resignation titled:
“If Hamon Is Real, We’re Done.”

One MIT physicist admitted, “We built a particle accelerator. They wrote 900 chapters about ghost fists and family trauma. We’re just not on their level.”

NASA suspended all missions citing “temporal inconsistencies caused by Dio’s Time Stop.”

“We launch at T-0, but the rockets come back before they leave,” said one exhausted aerospace engineer. “We think our lab might be a Stand now.”

Legal System Embraces Stand Law

In Texas, the state supreme court ruled that “civil disputes may now be settled via flashback-triggered Stand battles.”

As of publication:

  • A hedge fund manager in Georgia was sentenced to “15 hours in the Shadow Realm.”

  • California introduced a JoJo-inspired universal basic income that pays out based on internal monologue complexity.

  • New York traffic cops are now equipped with rosaries and Volume 3 of Stardust Crusaders.

Lawmakers are even debating mandatory Stand awakening before campaign finance reform.

“If you don’t have a Stand,” said Senator Lindsey Graham, “how can you claim to stand for anything?”

Elon Musk Declares Himself “JoJo 9.5”

Naturally, Elon Musk inserted himself into the discourse. In a post on X, he wrote:
“I am the next Joestar. Half South African. Half cybernetic. Entirely canonical.”

Musk’s new startup, Za Neuraldo, promises to generate personalized Stand names based on Amazon history and suppressed childhood trauma.

Premium X subscribers will receive early access to Hamon breath training through Tesla HVAC systems. Musk concluded his post with:
“The bloodline is strong. The Doge is immortal. Pose wisely.”

JoJo Amendment Leaked

Filthee News obtained a draft of the proposed JoJo Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, co-authored by a bipartisan panel of anime avatars and one holographic senator.

It reads:
“We the People, in order to form a more fabulous union, do hereby pledge loyalty to the Joestar lineage, defy time, reject logic, and pose eternally.”

The document ends with a single phrase in bold italics:
To Be Continued...