Washington, D.C. — In a classic case of legislative oopsie, President Donald J. Trump has signed into law a bill that effectively bans commuting in the United States, declaring all physical work “unnecessary and suspicious.”

The bill, titled “American Network Renaissance and Enhanced Liberty Act” (ANREAL), was reportedly intended to boost rural broadband access. However, a buried clause—inserted during a late-night edit session apparently influenced by “half a Diet Coke and a prophetic AI typo”—redefines commuting as “un-American kinetic disobedience.”

“From now on, Americans will stay home and WORK BIGLY,” President Trump announced at a press conference from a recliner on the White House lawn.
“Commuting is for socialists, hobbits, and losers. I never commuted a day in my life. I helicoptered.”

🚨 Immediate Fallout: Chaos, Couch Apps, Congressional Yoga

Within hours, thousands of in-person employees were ordered to return to their living rooms under penalty of “unpatriotic motion.” TSA began redirecting all airport foot traffic to Microsoft Teams links.

The Department of Labor released a statement saying:

“We advise Americans to pivot to couch-based productivity. Please ensure your webcam is positioned above chin level.”

Members of Congress appeared blindsided. Senator JD Vance attempted to reverse the bill by faxing a hand-drawn map of Ohio to a modem.

Meanwhile, Vice President Stephen A. Smith reportedly shouted “STAY HOME AND GRIND!” during a live SportsCenter segment, causing widespread confusion on the NASDAQ.

🏠 Trump: “I Invented Remote Work in 1987”

President Trump doubled down during a TruthSocial post, claiming the legislation was a stroke of “economic genius.”

“I invented remote work. In the ’80s. Trump Tower was remote before anyone knew it. I even Zoomed with Reagan on a gold rotary phone. Sad no one remembers that.”

He later added:

“Elon is jealous. He commutes to Mars. So inefficient.”

👨‍💻 Business Leaders React: “Finally, a law written by Wi-Fi”

Corporate America is cautiously supportive.
Amazon announced “PrimeCubicle,” a new service that delivers full ergonomic workstations within 3 hours or your productivity is free.
Google launched “G-Slack,” a hybrid of Slack, prayer, and mandatory mood journaling.

The CEO of WeWork, broadcasting from a luxury panic room, simply said:

“We were early. Again.”

✝️ Religious Groups Weigh In

Televangelist Joel Osteen praised the bill as “divine confirmation that the Garden of Eden was the first home office.”

Meanwhile, a fringe Mormon offshoot in Utah claimed the law fulfilled an ancient prophecy about “The Great Sit-Down.”

📉 Economic Impact Still Loading

Wall Street reacted by spontaneously dividing itself into “Remote Bulls” and “Analog Bears.”
The housing market surged for properties with ethernet ports and windows that “look like ambition.”
Uber stock dropped 98% after drivers were forced to deliver PowerPoint presentations instead of passengers.