Jacksonville, FL — In a bold move that has educators nationwide ducking for cover, the Polk County Unified School District has officially launched its new flagship curriculum: Gun & Geometry™, a program designed to integrate firearm proficiency with middle school trigonometry.

“The future of America isn’t just science or freedom—it’s both, locked and loaded,” declared Superintendent Dale "Buckshot" Harmon during the ribbon-cutting ceremony, which included a ceremonial firing of a starter pistol into a whiteboard labeled "MATH IS POWER."

The program, already nicknamed “STEM & Shoot” by local parents, teaches students to calculate bullet trajectories using sine, cosine, and the sacred texts of the Second Amendment. Lesson 3.2 is titled: “Friendly Fire or Just Poor Angles?”

Students in the pilot program reportedly begin each school day by solving equations like:

"If little Johnny fires a 9mm at 430 ft/s at a 33° angle during a mild breeze, how far will the bullet travel before it triggers a statewide lockdown?"

Gunning for Graduation

The curriculum is divided into units such as:

  • Pre-Calculus and Pre-Cautionary Fire

  • Algebra of Ammunition

  • Ballistics for Beginners

  • PE: Parkour Evacuation

Field trips include visits to local shooting ranges and ballistic trauma centers, where students "see the real-world applications of parabolas and poor judgment."

Harmon insists the program boosts both math scores and morale: “When kids know a hypotenuse could save their life, they pay attention.”

Reactions from Around the Country

The NRA gave the initiative an A++ rating, with a spokesperson praising it as “the most American use of math since the moon landing and voter suppression algorithms.”

However, critics remain unconvinced. One Florida teacher, who spoke anonymously while hiding under a reinforced desk, called it “a dystopian fever dream disguised as curriculum reform.”

The Department of Education issued a brief statement:

“We are closely monitoring Florida. From a distance. Preferably behind a blast wall.”

Coming Next Semester

Following the program’s success, the district has announced plans to launch sister courses:

  • Chemistry & Concealment

  • AP Physics: Velocity & Vengeance

  • History of Armed Conflict: From the Alamo to Algebra

Meanwhile, students are reportedly thriving under the new system. One seventh-grader, Max, proudly told reporters:

“Before this class I hated math. Now I know how to solve for x and for exit wounds.”