WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left the nation bewildered and sedated, President Donald J. Trump has signed Executive Order #774, instituting a mandatory national nap period from 2:00 to 2:45 p.m. EST, Monday through Saturday, and optional nap combat drills on Sundays.

“Other countries rest because they’re lazy,” Trump explained in a press conference held from a gold-plated massage chair. “We nap because we’re strong. Sleep like a lion, wake up and win.”

Dubbed the “Patriot Nap Act”, the order rebrands napping as a strategic act of greatness, and includes federal incentives for anyone caught sleeping in pro-America postures: hand on heart, arm around a gun, or head resting gently on a copy of The Art of the Deal.

White House launches NAP (National American Power-rest) Initiative

The NAP program will offer sleep training, competitive snoring leagues, and new patriotic lullabies composed by Kid Rock and performed by a former Marine with a slide guitar.

Funding will come from reallocated arts grants and surplus MyPillow inventory, while distribution will be managed by FEMA’s new Department of Domestic Drowsiness.

All federal buildings are now required to provide Nap Zones™, complete with noise-canceling prayer mats and Fox News set to “whisper mode.”

Trump explains the science: “Nobody understands rest better than me. Maybe God. Maybe.”

In a now-viral segment from Newsmax, Trump held up a brain scan of what he claimed was “a tired Democrat brain” and compared it to “a Republican brain mid-REM,” which looked suspiciously like a waffle.

“The body needs sleep to recharge. The mind needs rest to remember how great I am,” he declared. “We’re doing a big, big reset. Energy. Focus. Total consciousness—after a short nap.”

When asked about the potential conflict with productivity, Trump added:

“Sleep is productivity. But only my kind. Biden napped like a coward. I nap like a king.”

Public reaction: divided and horizontal

Across America, businesses scrambled to comply with the new rest mandate.

Walmart introduced Trumpnap Pods that dispense MAGA eye masks and filtered country music.
Chick-fil-A launched a “Blessed Rest” combo: grilled nuggets and chamomile milk.
At Starbucks, baristas now whisper drink orders in support of “sleep-positive capitalism.”

Meanwhile, liberals on Threads denounced the policy as “state-sanctioned sedation,” while conservatives flooded X.com with posts like:

  • “Finally, a leader who understands the working man’s need to power down.”

  • “I dream red, white, and blue.”

  • “Nap time is the new stand-your-ground.”

Trump Nap Certification now available

The White House confirmed that Americans may apply for Nap Patriot status, which includes:

  • A foam neck badge shaped like Mount Rushmore

  • A laminated nap log signed by Mike Lindell

  • Lifetime exemption from being called “lazy” in public

To qualify, applicants must submit biometric data proving nap depth, duration, and ideological alignment while unconscious.

“The deeper you sleep, the more you love America,” reads the official NAP.gov website.

Military embraces the policy: “We call it Tactical Rest.”

The U.S. Army has already updated its Field Manual to include Combat Cuddling, Stealth Snoring, and the controversial Drone-Assisted Dreaming, which allegedly caused one soldier to reenlist in REM.

Marine Corps representatives praised the initiative, noting that “even tanks idle.”

Trump concludes: “We nap. We win. We nap again.”

As the press conference ended, Trump stood, saluted a nap pod shaped like the Liberty Bell, and declared:

“You’ve worked hard. You’ve voted harder. Now lie down and let me lead from your dreams.”

He then fell asleep mid-sentence while still standing, which aides described as “a controlled microdoze, not weakness.”