Dear Filthee,

We met in a subreddit. Or maybe it was a glitch in my Discover tab. Either way, he reacted to my post with a raccoon emoji and a quote from Donnie Darko. I felt seen.

Our first date was a shared Spotify session and synchronized staring at the moon. We didn’t speak. Just hovered near emotional resonance. His love language is encrypted memes. Mine is collapsing under mixed signals.

We’ve never met offline, but we’re in what he calls a Quantum Relationship™. We’re dating, not dating, poly-curious, monogamish, and once co-parented a Tamagotchi.

“In one timeline, we’re soulmates. In another, we’re mutual restraining orders,” he texted.

I replied with a GIF of a burning croissant.

We tried couples therapy via an AI called “Dr. FeelLite.” It told us we’re energetically entangled but karmically misaligned. Suggested a 10-day break or shared microdosing.

Last week he soft-blocked me. Or maybe I blocked him first. Honestly, who’s to say? The app keeps deleting our history.

Still, I think I love him. Or the version of him that lived in my Wi-Fi. Either way, I left a voicemail in our Notes app.

It just says:

“Maybe we glitched into something real.”

 

Signed,

Emotionally Offline, but Spiritually Cached