PARIS, FRANCE — In a sweeping act of legislative innovation and borderline surrender, the French government has officially abolished Mondays, citing national exhaustion, psychological trauma, and what President Emmanuel Macron called “a toxic relationship with time.”

“Every week begins with collective despair and existential pastry consumption,” Macron said during a televised address. “We must eliminate the threat. Mondays are no longer compatible with the French experience.”

The decision, ratified by Parliament in record time (mostly because no one wanted to start the week debating), will take effect immediately. Schools, offices, and public transport will now operate on a “4-day poetic calendar” featuring Tuesday, Mid-Week, Almost-Weekend, and Freedomday.

“La révolution du rythme”

The bill—officially titled Décret de la Semaine Humaine—is being hailed as the most French law ever passed, slightly edging out the 2007 legislation that required baguettes in all military rations.

The new week will look like this:

  • Tuesday (le Réveil) – Gentle return to societal obligations

  • Mid-Week (le Flou) – A transitional haze, suitable for light protesting

  • Almost-Weekend (le Soupir) – Strong espresso, louder existential dread

  • Freedomday (la Gloire) – Cultural celebration + passive-aggressive chores

European neighbors stunned, mostly jealous

Germany called the decision “alarmingly French but interesting.”
Italy demanded that Thursdays also be reconsidered.
The UK refused to comment due to “emotional Brexit fatigue.”

Meanwhile, Canada began exploratory committees on banning February.

Protesters confused but exhausted

In a rare moment of unity, Parisian unions have agreed not to strike over the Monday ban, stating in a joint communiqué:

“This is the first time a government has preemptively cancelled something we were going to shut down anyway. Respect.”

However, a rogue splinter group calling themselves “Les Lundiistes” marched in defense of the weekday, carrying signs that read: “Le Lundi, C’est Moi” and “Mondays Deserve Pity Too.”

They were immediately booed by a crowd of half-asleep philosophers drinking wine from thermoses.

Economy expected to collapse, flourish, or reinvent itself in cheese

Critics warn that a four-day week could tank productivity, especially in sectors like finance, public services, and sarcastic commentary.

Supporters argue that most of France has been functioning at 62% capacity since 1983 and that Mondays were mostly ceremonial at this point.

“We never did real work on Mondays,” said one Parisian. “We just opened tabs and judged our coworkers’ weekend photos.”

Vatican expresses concern: “God rested on Sunday, not skipped Monday.”

In a rare intervention, the Vatican issued a gentle rebuke, reminding the French that “the Lord’s schedule was already optimal.”

A spokesperson for Pope Francis clarified:

“While we support rest, we cannot in good faith bless the erasure of entire weekdays. Also, there is no doctrinal basis for ‘Freedomday.’”

Still, multiple unconfirmed reports claim Pope Francis whispered “jamais lundi” during a recent sermon.

America confused, Fox News melts down

Fox News ran a full segment titled:

“Is France Erasing Time to Hide Globalist Agendas?”

A panel of experts then discussed whether the metric calendar was a communist weapon, and if Mondays were being reassigned to drag queens and solar panels.

What’s next?

According to insiders, Macron is considering other radical calendar reforms, including:

  • Merging July and August into “Just Vacation”

  • Adding a new month called “Croisscembre”

  • Digitizing Easter so it can be downloaded

As for the French people, most have already begun adjusting their mindset. One Parisian café owner summed it up perfectly:

“It’s still hell. Just shorter.”