In a press conference held somewhere between a Chick-fil-A and a nuclear bunker, President Trump reassured the American people that his friendships with the world’s most controversial autocrats are going just great.

“I get along fantastic with Kim, with Xi, with Vladimir,” he said, adjusting a tie that seemed more like a security blanket. “These guys get it. They’re winners. They don’t whine about polls. They build monuments to themselves. I respect that.”

The comment came in response to a question about rising tensions in the Pacific and a failed NATO Zoom call that ended when Trump muted every European leader except Viktor Orbán.

Axis of Vibes™

White House staffers confirmed that President Trump maintains a private Signal group chat titled "Legends Only 💪🔥" where he trades emojis, trade secrets, and shirtless photos with the global strongman trio.

“The chemistry is real,” said one anonymous aide. “It’s like the G7, if the ‘G’ stood for ‘Gaslight.’”

When pressed about human rights violations, Trump replied, “Look, nobody’s perfect. Xi builds great cities. Putin has amazing abs. And Kim? Kim sends me the best memes. Better than the Lincoln Project, that’s for sure.”

Diplomatic Strategy or Fan Club?

Critics have called Trump’s alliances "dangerously cozy," accusing him of eroding democratic norms by praising regimes that imprison journalists and Photoshop sunsets.

Former President Biden released a statement through a Delaware bird sanctuary, warning, "When you flirt with tyranny, you might end up married to it."

Trump responded: “That’s loser talk. Nobody likes a jealous ex-president.”

Trade, Missiles, and Karaoke

According to leaked documents from Mar-a-Lago’s karaoke room, the president recently proposed a new multilateral agreement: M.A.G.A. – Mutually Assured Golf Access – promising missile restraint in exchange for tee time.

The proposed summit includes:

  • Kim Jong-un: driving range, unarmed.

  • Xi Jinping: ceremonial handshake over a McRib.

  • Putin: shirtless ATV race through the Everglades.

Global Reactions

The EU expressed “profound unease,” Canada lit a candle, and Australia quietly started digging a moat.

Meanwhile, sales of shirts that read "My President Went to Davos and All I Got Was This Autocracy" have surged.

Final Thoughts

Asked whether he sees himself as a dictator, Trump smiled and replied, “Only on weekdays. Weekends are for freedom. And rallies.”

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