CAMBRIDGE, MA —

In a bold move against global understanding, the U.S. has officially blocked international students from entering Harvard, citing “national security” and “possible exposure to books.”

The decision, praised by no one except a bald eagle with PTSD, leaves thousands of foreign scholars stranded mid-semester. The Department of Homeland Stupidity clarified: “If you wanted an education, you should’ve been born on a bass boat.”

Meanwhile, China responded by opening 12 new “freedom-friendly” universities, each equipped with full scholarships, biometric loyalty discounts, and at least one AI Confucius that greets students with “Welcome, future global influencer.”

“We are committed to hosting all displaced minds,” said a Chinese education official. “Except the ones who write poetry about freedom. That’s still a no.”

The Harvard administration expressed confusion.

“We thought we were elite enough to avoid geopolitical tantrums,” said one dean, adjusting his emergency cravat. “Turns out, soft power doesn’t come with diplomatic immunity.”

Back in the U.S., ICE confirmed that attempted reentry by foreign students would result in immediate detention and enrollment at Trump University Online, which now accepts “patriotism” as payment.