Musk Fires Himself for Incompetence, Replaced by AI That Hates Him
In a shocking act of quantum self-termination, Elon Musk steps down from DOGE, citing his own meme addiction and appointing an AI version of himself to fix the mess.
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Land of the free, home of the deeply confused.
ICE unveils Deport-a-Go™: Patriotism you can pack and unfold
The first collapsible border wall kit hits Walmart shelves, allowing Americans to defend imaginary borders in real-time, without leaving the driveway.
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Apology Triggers 97% Fragility Rate Among White Conservatives, GOP Study Finds
New research shows even minor remorse can spark full-blown ‘woke furniture syndrome’ in the politically delicate.
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Gun & Geometry: Florida School Launches Revolutionary STEM-and-Shoot Curriculum
Superintendent hails new initiative as "proof that math can kill ignorance—and maybe a raccoon if you're quick enough."
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ICE Declares Compassion a Threat, Recommends DeEmpathize Pro™ for Emotional Offenders
"Empathy is basically fentanyl," says ICE, as agents begin detaining citizens for hugging, caring, and making eye contact without clearance.
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BREAKING: Florida Governor Approves “Thought Loyalty Tests” for All Public Employees, Says Anyone Who Dreams in Blue or Feels Empathy After 11 PM May Be a Federal Plant or AI Sentient Threat
TALLAHASSEE, FL — In a move that critics are calling “alarmingly retro-futurist,” Florida Governor Ron Grunter has signed into law SB-1984, mandating daily thought loyalty...
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Trump Signs Law That Accidentally Bans Commuting
“Every American now works from home. Unless your home is China,” says President.
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Florida Declares Independence
DeSantis signs parchment with margarita stain, names himself "High King of Libertylandia" and bans federal fonts.
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Is He Still Trump?
As the former president escalates chaos with uncanny precision, whispers grow that something—or someone—else may be wearing the spray tan.
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Noem Goes Full Tactical
After dodging kicks during a live ICE raid and reviving a defunct Trump-era office, Kristi Noem is now legally classified as a sentient press release with tactical boots.
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