TALLAHASSEE, FL — In what political scientists are calling "an inevitable hurricane of delusion," Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed an executive order declaring Florida a fully independent nation, citing "irreversible ideological incompatibility with the continental United States" and a "constitutional right to go feral."

The announcement, made at a press conference held in front of a Bass Pro Shop and livestreamed exclusively on Truth Social, was punctuated by fireworks, Toby Keith covers, and an animatronic bald eagle quoting Milton Friedman.

“We’re not a state anymore,” DeSantis proclaimed, draped in a beach towel bearing the Gadsden flag. “We’re a sovereign land of freedom, humidity, and deeply monetized paranoia. Washington can keep its socialism. We’ve got Publix.”

Welcome to “The Free Republic of Freedomda”

The new nation will be known as “The Free Republic of Freedomda”, or FRoF, and will mint its own currency: the SunBuck™, available in denominations of $1, $17.76, and “Don’t Ask.”

The state’s new motto—“We The Free, Unless You’re Blue”—will appear on all license plates and tattoo vouchers. English will remain the official language, but citizens will be encouraged to shout it.

As part of the transition, DeSantis signed a series of emergency laws that include:

  • Replacing the U.S. Constitution with a laminated Waffle House menu

  • Declaring Mar-a-Lago a UNESCO heritage site

  • Banning the phrase “climate change” unless followed by “ain’t real, bro”

A statue of Trump holding a flaming gator now guards the Florida–Georgia border.

Federal response: “Do you really want us to stop funding I-95?”

The White House responded cautiously, calling the declaration "legally meaningless and cartographically disrespectful."

However, federal agencies have begun preparing contingency plans, including:

  • Deploying FEMA units disguised as Disney mascots

  • Cancelling all export of sunscreen, insulin, and functional infrastructure

  • Reclassifying Florida as an "experimental containment zone"

Biden, when asked for comment, squinted into the sun and replied:

“We tried talking. Now we let the humidity sort them out.”

Local reactions: confused enthusiasm

Floridians interviewed by Filthee News were largely supportive, though no two agreed on what independence actually meant.

“So we can like, print our own McDonald's coupons now?” asked Brett W., a part-time airboat poet.
“Do I still get VA benefits?” wondered Carla R., a retired psychic.
“Finally,” shouted a man on a hoverboard holding a chicken, “the Constitution is back where it belongs—in a cooler.”

Several Keys residents already declared independence from Freedomda, citing “too many laws” and “not enough parrots.”

DeSantis unveils new military: The Sunshine Brigade™

As a precaution, DeSantis unveiled a new state defense force made up of former mall cops, barefoot libertarians, and one guy who claims to have trained a raccoon in martial arts.

Dressed in Hawaiian camo and armed with beach chairs and open carry permits, the Sunshine Brigade™ will patrol the borders, enforce DeSanctions™, and livestream daily sermons titled “Why This Isn’t Treason.”

One officer told reporters:

“We don’t need nukes. We’ve got barbecue and vibes.”

World watches nervously, while Texas takes notes

International reactions were muted. The UN released a statement reading, “We’re not touching that,” while NATO quietly moved Florida from the “ally” column to “non-playable character.”

Texas Governor Greg Abbott reportedly called DeSantis to congratulate him and ask “what the hell took so long.” Sources say Texas is now researching secession under the legal precedent of “Florida Did It First.”

Meanwhile, Canada has fortified its border with a polite but firm:

“Don’t even try.”

What comes next?

While legal scholars debate the constitutionality of a state unilaterally declaring independence during a hurricane advisory, DeSantis appears undeterred.

At a closing rally in Daytona Beach, he raised a flaming fishing rod and shouted:

“Let them call us crazy. Let them call us lawless. But they’ll never call us boring.”

Then he jumped into a hot tub full of Mountain Dew and declared spring break “a sacred national rite.”