GENEVA / VATICAN CITY — In what was initially described as a “routine spiritual containment procedure,” the Vatican has accidentally baptized the entire Large Hadron Collider, sparking what physicists are calling “the first sacramentally-aware scientific infrastructure.”

According to leaked cables from the Secretariat for Liturgical Emergencies, the incident began when a visiting bishop misunderstood the term “God particle” as an actual divine presence. Armed with a sensor-activated aspergillum, he allegedly “blessed the beamline” mid-tour, inadvertently sanctifying 13.2 miles of superconducting magnets and three interns.

“We believe the Higgs field has now been infused with minor spiritual agency,” said Fr. Angelo Vettore, chief exorcist-technician at the Holy See’s Department of Subatomic Sacraments.
“It confessed in Morse code. We are… disturbed.”

HOLY WATER, UNFILTERED

Swiss officials confirm that traces of Vatican-blessed water entered the system through a “liturgically unsanctioned sprinkling event,” which was neither authorized by CERN nor compliant with EU baptismal GDPR.

“One moment we were calibrating sensors, the next we were inside a Jesuit homily about divine symmetry,” said Dr. Lisette Karlsson, quantum theorist and part-time atheist.
“The beam alignment now chants in Latin.”

Following the incident, CERN’s main control room experienced several glitches, including:

  • Crucifixes forming spontaneously on quantum readouts

  • A relic of St. John Bosco appearing in the snack machine

  • The collider inexplicably turning toward Jerusalem mid-run

THE THEOLOGICAL FALLOUT

The Vatican has issued a partial mea culpa, acknowledging the act as “liturgically irregular but not invalid.” Pope Francis has reportedly launched Project Exodus.exe, a Vatican initiative to trace whether any multiverses were savedor accidentally condemned in the process.

Meanwhile, fringe Catholic groups have embraced the incident as a sign of Quantum Redemption, claiming the Collider is now a “machine of judgment,” capable of blessing or rejecting parallel realities.

“Salvation is no longer personal,” said one unnamed cardinal.
“It’s probabilistic.”

CERN’S RESPONSE: “STOP PRAYING ON OUR EQUIPMENT”

In an official statement, CERN reminded visitors that “physics is not a faith-based system”, and also politely requested that the Vatican refrain from using blessed USB drives in sensitive control systems.

Unofficial sources claim a diplomatic envoy from the Deep Vatican has already offered to consecrate the entire CERN facility “just in case,” including baptism-by-fog for the entire antimatter wing.

The Pope has neither confirmed nor denied rumors of a Quantum Rosary in development.