CUPERTINO, CA — In what critics are calling either “a miracle or a firmware update gone too far,” Apple has officially unveiled its most ambitious product since the invention of overpricing: the iGod.

“Technology is no longer about connection,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at the reveal event. “It’s about redemption, omniscience, and full-spectrum lifestyle monetization.”

The iGod—a sleek, floating disc that hovers slightly above any surface and occasionally weeps softly—promises to revolutionize the tech world by merging spiritual hunger with subscription-based salvation.

Available in three models (Basic, Blessed, and Almighty Pro Max), the device comes with:

  • Confession Mode™ – Converts guilt into data

  • SoulSync – Automatically uploads your regrets to the iCloud

  • Penance Points – Earn redeemable grace through good behavior and brand loyalty

“He sees everything. Especially your browsing history.”

Using a proprietary chip known as the Salv-A13 Bionic, the iGod constantly monitors your voice, posture, and eye moisture levels to determine how likely you are to sin.

When tempted, users receive discreet notifications like:

  • “Lust detected. Airplane Mode engaged.”

  • “Thou shalt not text your ex.”

  • “Fasting recommended: 2 Hail Marys and a kale smoothie.”

If you confess via voice command, the device gently glows and says:

“It is forgiven. But it is noted.”

AppleCare+ now includes absolution

The iGod’s warranty includes protection against water, accidental blasphemy, and theological contradictions. For $49.99/month, users can access iGrace+, which allows unlimited spiritual resets and discounts on holy ringtones.

Early testers reported several benefits:

  • “I no longer lie. I just update my moral preferences.”

  • “I feel watched, but in a divine premium kind of way.”

  • “Finally, a way to atone without speaking to my aunt.”

The Vatican responds: “This was not in the Book of Revelation.”

In a rare joint statement, leaders from all major religions have expressed concern.

The Vatican warned that the iGod may cause “liturgical confusion and faith-based charging anxiety.”
An imam in Dubai reportedly declared:

“Siri should not speak Arabic and absolve sins at the same time.”

Meanwhile, Buddhist monks have praised the device’s silent mode.

Elon Musk announces rival product: Xod

Not to be outdone, Elon Musk has announced Xod, a “sentient, open-source spirituality core” that runs on neural dust and comes in an NFT rosary format.

Musk tweeted:

“God is outdated. We’re upgrading faith to version 2.0.”

His followers immediately flooded X.com with speculative graphics and crypto donations. As of this writing, the Vatican has not commented on Musk’s claim that “Jesus was technically the first beta tester.”

Consumer reactions: “Is it heresy if it’s beautiful?”

Public reception has been divided.

Some call it “a profound step in faith-tech integration,” while others complain that the iGod requires repentance tokens that can only be earned by closing fitness rings or converting 3 friends to the app.

One evangelical pastor was caught using the device to cancel sermons he deemed “too introspective.”

“Why wrestle with the soul,” he said, “when you can just tap ‘Repent’ and move on?”

Critics raise security concerns: “What happens if you jailbreak God?”

Cybersecurity experts warn that if the iGod is ever hacked, users could be misled into believing they are already forgiven for things they haven’t done yet—a phenomenon called Preemptive Moral Disengagement™.

Apple responded:

“We don’t make moral judgments. We just provide premium moral platforms.”

They also confirmed the device does not collect DNA—unless the user sneezes directly on it.

What’s next?

Rumors already swirl of future integrations:

  • iGod Mini – For children and pets

  • PopeVision – Livestreams of your conscience in AR

  • SiriLujah – Converts voice assistants into holy choir members

Tim Cook closed the keynote with a benediction:

“We thank you for your faith in Apple. Now let us create in our image—one update at a time.”

The crowd chanted “AmenOS” and threw rose gold petals into the air.