Mar-a-Lago, FL – In a fiery press conference delivered between a golf swing and a fib, former President Donald J. Trump announced sweeping new tariffs on anything not explicitly branded with his name. “If it doesn’t say TRUMP, you pay the tariff. And if it says Biden, you pay double,” Trump declared from the 9th hole bunker of his private course, as golden eagles circled dramatically overhead.

The new tariffs include: Japanese cars, Parma ham, Chinese-assembled iPhones, Ikea furniture, French air, and panda tears. “America will no longer be humiliated by consuming non-Trump products. From now on, we will only support TQ – Trump Quality. Better than quality, with more tanning spray,” said Trump, lovingly polishing a life-sized gold statue of himself mid-fistpump.

🍆 TRUMP CLAIMS GLOBAL BIO ZUCCHINI CONSPIRACY

Trump also used the occasion to expose a shocking new conspiracy. According to him, organic vegetables are part of a globalist-Marxist plan to weaken the alpha American male. “Those bio zucchinis are laced with Chinese estrogen. I know because I ate one... and I felt... considerate,” he whispered, visibly shaken (and slightly bloated).

Unverified sources — but extremely shared on Facebook — suggest the tariffs are a counterattack against a deep plot to replace traditional ketchup with vegan sauces engineered by the Gates Foundation for Punitive Nutrition. “They want to take away your hot dogs and feed you tofu hummus. But as long as I’m here, you’ll eat freedom and radioactive mustard from Arizona,” Trump promised, while a cheering crowd waved flags, fired guns, and deep-fried bacon mid-air.

🌍 INTERNATIONAL BACKLASH: THE “GLOBAL ANTI-BS COALITION” IS BORN

World leaders didn’t take long to respond. The European Union, China, and Botswana announced counter-tariffs on anything that smells faintly like a cheeseburger. France banned anyone wearing a red hat with Comic Sans from Disneyland Paris.

Germany doubled down: “We’re taxing every English word on our billboards. Goodbye cool, hello kühl.” Meanwhile, Canada quietly shut its border and posted a polite sign: “We’re full, sorry.”

🧠 ECONOMISTS: “A PERFECT PLAN—IF WRITTEN BY LIZARD PEOPLE”

Economists are torn. Some claim the plan could stimulate American industry, assuming it gets rebuilt entirely out of Lego bricks and toxic patriotism. Others see the tariffs as a smoking gun for Illuminati interference, with the goal of destabilizing the global economy in favor of barter systems run on blockchain.

A recently leaked white paper from think tank QAnon for Dummies suggests Trump is merely the public face of a larger effort to monetize every human interaction. “We were already paying for food, housing, and internet. Why not air and dreams too?” it concludes with a winking emoji.

🛌 TRUMP UNVEILS THE “DREAM TARIFF”: PAY TO IMAGINE

In a shocking finale, Trump introduced the Dream Tariff. Every citizen who dreams of a peaceful world, working McFlurry machines, or universal healthcare must now pay a contribution to the Department of Trumpian Vision.

“Dreaming is a privilege, not a right. If you’re going to imagine something, imagine me. Preferably shirtless. On an eagle,” he concluded, as a choir of trained pelicans sang the national anthem in reverse and Alex Jones wept into a copy of Art of the Deal.