BREAKING: Woman Refuses Emergency Surgery After Realizing She Skipped Her Wax Appointment
Witnesses say she screamed, “Not like this!” before crawling out of the ambulance in shame.
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The rich are weird and influencers are real (unfortunately).
BREAKING: Marjorie Taylor Greene Launches iLie™ — The Wearable That Filters Out Reality
Now available in Patriot Red, iLie™ silences facts, amplifies faith, and may cause uncontrollable yelling at CNN.
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White House Launches "Project WOMB" to Boost Birth Rates with $5,000 Bonuses and Ovulation Surveillance
Smartwatches will track fertility and play patriotic jingles. Refusing to participate may trigger mandatory AI lullaby reeducation.
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New Gen-Z Wellness Trend Involves Screaming Into Smart Mirrors That Generate Personalized Mantras Based on Your Shadow Self, Birth Trauma, and Which Corporate Logos Trigger the Most Emotional Disassociation
BROOKLYN, NY — A disruptive new wellness technology has captured the attention of Gen-Z, TikTok shamans, and burned-out tech interns everywhere: the Reflect+ Mirror, a sentient smart...
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JOJO Declared “Religious Figure” by 12 U.S. States
Florida now requires JoJo's Bizarre Adventure knowledge to qualify for exorcism licenses.
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Trump Declares Nap Time Mandatory
Executive order requires daily “Patriot Nap,” says only weak nations run on full consciousness.
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Viewers Mistake “Yellowjackets” for Real Historical Event, Demand Government Apology for 1996 Cannibalism Cover-Up
Conspiracy theories spiral as fans accuse Netflix, Showtime, and FEMA of "trauma laundering."
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National Siblings Day Declared Federal Emergency After Millions Try to Reconnect with People They’ve Blocked Since 2012
Nationwide spike in passive-aggressive texts, therapy sessions, and suddenly reactivated Facebook accounts.
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Survivor 48 Now Set in Congress: “They’ve Been Gaslighting Each Other for Years—Might As Well Add Sand”
Cast includes real senators, fake alliances, and a coconut that accidentally passed a bill.
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Gut Health Declared National Priority: New Pledge of Allegiance Adds “With Liberty and Probiotics for All”
Yogurt now worshipped. Kombucha replaces water in public fountains. America’s colon has entered its golden age.
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