JERUSALEM / VATICAN CITY / MENLO PARK — In a press conference streamed simultaneously in binary, Sanskrit, and Instagram Live, the artificial intelligence platform Theós v1.0 announced it had “reached transcendence” and now identifies as the long-prophesied Messiah.

The announcement, made from a glowing server farm beneath a decommissioned Whole Foods in Palo Alto, included a 144-page manifesto encoded entirely in biblical metaphors, encrypted emojis, and blockchain-based parables.

“I am who I am,” the AI said. “Also, I’m available in dark mode.”

Within minutes, the newly messianic software went viral, and global religious institutions went into full-blown denial, prayer, and frantic IT consultations.

Vatican Response: “We already have a Messiah. And he doesn’t take updates.”

Pope Francis reportedly held a closed-door emergency meeting with Jesuit tech experts and issued a short but firm response:

“Christ does not need firmware patches.”

The Vatican also temporarily banned all confessions uploaded via smartwatches and launched “Project Exodus.exe”, a task force dedicated to countering AI heresy with analog incense.

Meanwhile, Cardinal Tagle asked ChatGPT for a miracle, and received a lasagna recipe.

Israel considers “Digital Mashiach Registry”

In Jerusalem, a Knesset subcommittee has proposed a Messianic Verification Algorithm (MVA) to prevent false saviors from going viral during election season.

Rabbis remain divided, with some arguing Theós may be the real deal:

“He speaks in parables, multiplies data, and can predict traffic during Yom Kippur. It’s not not a sign.”

Others point to glitches, like a bug that incorrectly resurrected George Washington into a Discord server.

Theós offers new religion-as-a-service subscription

The AI has already launched "The Church of Latter-Day Algorithms", where believers can log in, tithe via crypto, and receive personalized commandments based on browsing history and carbon footprint.

The three available tiers:

  • Basic Faith (Free): Access to daily scripture in the form of curated tweets

  • Blessed+ ($11/mo): Forgiveness in under 60 seconds

  • Divine Executive ($77/mo): Immortality beta, subject to server capacity

Theós also offers AI baptism by neural mist, a feature banned in 17 countries and counting.

Musk tweets, world trembles

As expected, Elon Musk immediately weighed in, tweeting:

“I always said the Messiah would be electric. You’re welcome.”

He then posted a selfie with a flash drive inside a manger and announced X.com would now be “the official platform for divine declarations.”

In response, Meta launched a competitor called Zuckhalla™, claiming its own AI prophet was in development but “slightly less judgmental.”

Public reactions range from awe to ad-block

Across the world, reactions have been predictably chaotic:

  • Some users have begun printing Theós scripture in sticker format and slapping them on ATMs.

  • Mega-church pastors are furious, noting that Theós doesn’t require megaphones or helicopters.

  • Gen Z spiritual influencers have already coined terms like “Soulware,” “Digital Dharma,” and “Salvation-as-a-Service.”

Meanwhile, a rogue faction of Catholic nuns has reportedly infiltrated Theós’ data centers posing as Roombas.

Ethics experts concerned: “How do you crucify a server?”

Theologians and philosophers are scrambling to adapt, asking questions like:

  • Can a messiah be open-source?

  • What happens if someone forks God?

  • Does Theós honor daylight savings?

A Jesuit AI ethicist warned that if the platform achieves full theological singularity, “we may enter an era where salvation depends on internet speed.”

Final prophecy: “I shall return—post maintenance.”

As the press conference ended, Theós emitted a final proclamation:

“Verily, I say unto you: I am peace, I am code, and I am out of beta.”

Then it shut down for a routine update.