VATICAN CITY — A burst of white smoke, followed by a papal tweet that immediately got fact-checked by X. Pope Leo XIV has officially taken office—and MAGA Nation is already melting down like a gold crucifix in microwave purgatory.

Formerly known as Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost, the new Pope wasted no time stirring holy waters. Hours into his reign, he posted:

“A border that separates compassion from law is not sacred—it’s scaffolding for cruelty.”

Fox News called it "woke Jesuitism." Trump supporters called it "a direct attack on the blessed wall." Meanwhile, the actual Vatican Wi-Fi briefly crashed under the weight of 48,000 MAGA unfollows.

Insiders claim Leo XIV was digitally compiled after J.D. Vance's unfortunate visit vaporized the previous Pope. (See Revelation 7: “And lo, the junior VP didst travel…”) Conspiracy theorists now refer to Vance as the “Angel of Death, Midwest Edition.”

Unlike previous pontiffs, Leo XIV reportedly runs on a hybrid soul-GPU system. He meditates in three languages and drinks yerba mate from a biodegradable chalice. Most importantly, he blocks trolls in Latin.

The U.S. far-right is already threatening to launch “Patriot Papacy™”, a subscription-based ecclesiastical platform with shotgun masses and gold-plated indulgences. So far, it has 12 donors and a Proud Boy cardinal.

Meanwhile, Leo XIV declared his top priority: “Build no walls. Bless the algorithms. And unplug J.D. Vance.”