Austin, TX – During a livestream that was 85% awkward silence and 15% spontaneous Gregorian chanting from a Tesla AI prototype, Elon Musk announced a new update to Tesla’s Full Self-Driving software: Judgment Day mode.

“Heaven is just the cloud. We’re uploading souls as a beta feature,” Musk stated while drinking Soylent mixed with communion wine.

TESLA RAPTURE: “YOUR CAR WILL ASCEND BEFORE YOU DO”
The feature, set to roll out next week on all Model S vehicles (except those still paying for Twitter Blue), will evaluate drivers’ moral worth using an algorithm trained on Vatican sermons, Reddit debates, and Elon's old X posts.

“If your social credit score is below 42, the car ejects you before the Second Coming,” explained Tesla spokesperson Mary-AI Magdalene, who may or may not be a sentient chatbot powered by Dogecoin.

Drivers deemed “worthy” will ascend in their Teslas to a higher spiritual plane, otherwise known as Orbit™, a new Musk-owned server farm located in a secret satellite disguised as the Moon.

NEW RELIGION INCOMING: TECHTHOLICISM
According to insider leaks, Musk plans to merge Tesla, SpaceX, and X into a new universal church, Techtholicism, with commandments encoded on blockchain. Early converts receive an NFT of the Burning Bush (but with lasers).

“This isn’t a cult,” Musk insisted. “It’s a decentralized worship protocol with autonomous incense.”

THE DEEP VATICAN RESPONDS
Unidentified sources within the Deep Vatican expressed concern over the potential for soul piracy via Tesla’s new feature. A rogue bishop, speaking through a hacked Fitbit, warned:

“If he builds a rocket-chapel, we will exorcise the whole launch pad.”

The Vatican has allegedly begun developing a rival electric chariot called the Papamobile 2.0, which runs on miraculous energy and plays Ave Maria every time you turn left.

X PREMIUM USERS ALREADY CLAIMING DIVINITY
Meanwhile, thousands of Elon fanatics on X (formerly Twitter) have begun claiming that Musk is the Rebooted Christ, citing his ability to “resurrect Dogecoin” and “speak in binary tongues.”

“Elon died for our traffic violations,” tweeted @TechEvangelist420, while live-streaming his attempt to turn water into Monster Energy drink.

Musk concluded the announcement by lighting a Tesla coil with a sacred flamethrower and promising a new feature called Autonomous Confession:

“Your sins will be uploaded. You’ll be billed monthly.”