President Trump, in what sources describe as a "psychic emergency," has signed a sprawling travel ban that covers 12 countries, 7 more "under emotional review," and—most controversially—Harvard University.

Operation: National Mood Stabilizer

In a televised address flanked by digital flags and a live feed of a bald eagle blinking, Trump declared, "We’re not just building walls—we’re fortifying vibes."

Twelve nations are now banned outright. Travelers from seven others must pass a biometric trust test that includes eye contact calibration, hymn humming, and American flag recognition speed.

But the headline shock: no more visas for incoming Harvard students.

“They’re up to something,” Trump insisted. “They think too hard. Some of them know Latin. That’s a threat.”

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified: “It’s not a ban on education. It’s a timeout for suspicious enlightenment.”

Harvard Underground

Within hours, Harvard launched “Operation Red Ivy,” converting dorms into encrypted bunkers and issuing analog diplomas that self-destruct when scanned.

International students already in the U.S. were warned to avoid allegory, never say “neoliberalism,” and keep their books face down unless questioned.

Unofficial reports suggest some are migrating to underground campuses, including one rumored to operate beneath a Shake Shack in Cambridge.

Global Mood Collapse

World reaction was swift. France sighed into a microphone. Canada offered honorary degrees to confused applicants.

Russia applauded the ban as "an excellent example of administrative improv."

China’s Global Times called it "a security response to metaphor overload."

Airports Rebranded as Emotional Checkpoints

At JFK, terminals now feature introspective booths where travelers are asked to complete the sentence: “America is most beautiful when…”

AI sensors detect tone, metaphor risk, and subconscious hesitation. A failed test results in immediate rerouting to a Freedom Reflection Zone™.

Trump on Thought Safety

"We’re not banning ideas. We’re curating the playlist of freedom," Trump said, before pivoting to a rant about Harvard’s role in "climate sadness and unpatriotic coding."

When asked if Stanford would face similar sanctions, he blinked twice and muttered: “Too many sandals. Too few missiles.”

The Bigger Picture

Analysts warn this could signal a broader epistemic lockdown.

“Trump doesn’t want a wall,” one philosopher tweeted. “He wants a firewall against inconvenient thoughts.”

Meanwhile, U.S. embassies worldwide have been updated to run on simplified English, featuring only six pre-approved adjectives: strong, great, brave, better, beautiful, and elite.