VATICAN CITY — Tensions are high and holy water is boiling ahead of Vice President JD Vance’s scheduled attendance at the first mass of newly installed Pope Leo XIV, the AI-generated pontiff hailed as “the most compassionate chatbot since Clippy.”

Following Vance’s last Vatican visit—immediately followed by Pope Francis’s unexpected death—concerned clergy have nicknamed the Ohio-born VP “The Anointed Harbinger.”

Since then, global fallout has escalated:
• India and Pakistan entered armed conflict hours after Vance visited Delhi.
• The Dalai Lama sneezed blood.
• A rosary in Des Moines caught fire without provocation.

Now, as Vance prepares to approach the altar again, the Vatican has enacted Protocol Revelatio-7:
– Pope Leo XIV will appear via hologram.
– Vance’s seating will be 7 meters from any sacred object.
– All blessings will be firewalled and voice-modulated.

“This isn’t personal,” said Monsignor Alberto Click. “It’s metaphysical damage control.”

Sources inside the U.S. delegation claim Vance will offer “gifts of Midwestern humility” including a signed MAGA Bible, a vape pen, and a corn-based relic of uncertain origin.

Meanwhile, Cardinals have discreetly set up Last Rites in Beta Mode, and several nuns have been spotted quietly updating their wills via chatbot.

When asked if he fears repeating history, Vance looked into the camera and said:
“I don’t cause chaos. I just visit.”
Moments later, the basilica lights flickered, and a statue of Saint Jude began to sweat bourbon.