KYOTO, JAPAN —
In a bold move that blends gaming with psychological instability, Nintendo has announced the EmotionBoy™, the first console designed to function only when you're emotionally compromised.

The system features biometric sadness verification. If you're happy, stable, or even just mildly content, the screen goes black and whispers “not now.”

“We wanted to return to our roots,” said Nintendo VP of Mood Management, Kazuo Low. “And those roots are deeply, beautifully sad.”

The EmotionBoy™ ships with:

  • Tearsync™ controllers (powered by electrolytes)

  • Ambient Loneliness Mode

  • A launch title called Zelda: Breath of the Existential Fog, in which Link never leaves the house

Gameplay includes sitting on virtual porches, reading unsent letters, and fishing for memories that may never be validated.

The console tracks:

  • Eye gloss

  • Volume of sighs

  • Whether you've recently re-read old texts at 2 a.m.

Players can unlock achievements like:

  • “Cried during startup”

  • “Reconnected with lost part of self via Mario Kart lullaby”

  • “Said ‘I’m fine’ 100 times”

Clinical trials show it improves emotional literacy but increases the likelihood of whispering "Nintendo sees me" into mirrors.