WASHINGTON, D.C. — What began as a routine neurocognitive exposure study at the National Behavioral Research Lab has spiraled into what experts are calling “an epistemological accident with tails.”

According to a leaked preliminary report, a group of laboratory mice, originally bred for a study on digital overstimulation, have developed paranoid hoarding behaviors, anti-globalist instincts, and, in at least six confirmed cases, a compulsive desire to wear tiny red caps that read MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

The report, titled “Neuroadaptive Drift in Mammals Following Prolonged Imageboard Exposure,” details the experiment:
Twenty-four genetically standard mice were exposed to 4chan boards for 72 continuous hours via miniature VR headsets and a filtered slurry of memes, slurs, ASCII art, and Ron Paul GIFs.

“It was supposed to be a digital resilience test,” said Dr. Mara Glick, lead behaviorist. “We were testing for dopamine fatigue and forum addiction. We didn’t expect… ideological calcification.”

🧠 From Cheese Mazes to Culture Wars

Researchers noted behavioral shifts within the first eight hours. By hour twelve, several mice began forming alliancesaround outdated memes. By hour sixteen, nesting behaviors transformed—with shreds of newspaper replaced by printed screencaps of conspiracy threads.

“One of the subjects, Mouse #7—now known internally as ‘Rush’—began stashing canned beans inside his exercise wheel and blocking the entrance with cotton balls shaped like Pepe the Frog,” said Glick.

Another, dubbed “Infoworm”, began chewing through lab wires while emitting what audio logs describe as a “high-pitched squeak that matches the waveform of Alex Jones saying ‘globalist.’”

By the end of day three, the lab environment resembled what one intern called “a scaled-down version of January 6th, but with more sunflower seeds.”

🐁 Genetic Contagion or Meme-Induced Madness?

In a classified interagency memo, NIH scientists warn that meme toxicity may be transde

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