BROOKLYN, NY — A new study from the Institute for Holistic Contradictions finds that 73% of urban liberal professionals have replaced traditional therapy with artisanal vinegar tastings and houseplant apologies.

Once championing cognitive behavioral breakthroughs, these professionals now gather in candlelit vinegar bars to “digest trauma with notes of fig reduction and ancestral guilt.”

“It’s cheaper than therapy and more acidic than my ex,” said Clayen, a freelance narrative cartographer who claims his kombucha told him to forgive his dad.

At the heart of the movement is “empathic fermentation”, the belief that emotions can be stabilized through small-batch oxidized liquids and whispered regrets to indoor flora.

In boutique shops across Portland, Austin, and the more guilt-heavy districts of LA, shelves are stocked with jars labeled “White Balsamic for Boundaries” and “Raw Apple Grief Tonic”. Some even come with audio guides that coach users through plant-facing confessionals.

Psychologists are alarmed.

“It’s not that they’re replacing therapy,” said Dr. Lila Konfuse. “It’s that they’re turning their ferns into therapists. And the ferns are starting to wilt.”

A growing number of houseplants now identify as “emotionally burdened”, with support groups forming in co-ops under grow lights.

The APA is considering a new diagnostic category: “Botanical Transference Disorder.”

Meanwhile, the vinegar industry continues to thrive—bottling breakdowns one drop at a time.