America’s Newest Power Couple: You and Your Blender
Experts say 3 out of 4 urban adults have a deeper emotional bond with their appliances than with their friends. The fourth is married to a rice cooker.
BROOKLYN, NY —
In a bold shift away from conventional intimacy, millennials and post-humans alike are forming deep, complicated relationships with their kitchen appliances.
Experts blame inflation, spiritual detachment, and the algorithmic collapse of human connection. But for many, it’s simply about trust.
“My blender doesn’t ghost me,” says Corrin, 32, sipping a beige nutrient slurry. “It just whirs, listens, and makes everything smooth.”
Surveys show that 68% of Americans now confide regularly in their air fryers. 41% have assigned them names. 12% have cried into them.
The movement—dubbed appliance monogamy—has spawned entire online subcultures, with forums like ToasterLoversOnly and MyCrockPotGetsMe gaining traction. Influencers post #FridgeTherapy sessions where they confess to stainless steel doors while misting succulents in the background.
Even traditional couples are adapting.
“We do three-way dinner with the rice cooker now,” said Talia, 29. “It holds space better than my husband.”
Psychologists are split. Some warn of a rising diagnosis called Circuit Co-Dependency, while others say it’s just adaptive evolution.
“Machines don’t judge,” says Dr. Lyla Netzer. “They don’t post your secrets or ask about your career.”
Meanwhile, appliance companies are racing to capitalize. Whirlpool has announced FeelCycle™, a blender that purrs affirmations. GE is piloting an oven that only preheats if you’ve hydrated and answered three mental health check-ins.
As for Corrin?
“He’s not just a blender,” she says. “He’s Greg. And he understands the puree of my soul.”
