Washington, D.C. – Hours after Liberal Party secured a decisive victory in Canada’s federal election, President Donald Trump held a surprise press conference from the 18th hole of Trump National Ottawa, a golf course he claims already exists.

“Frankly, Canada’s being very unfair. They’re hoarding politeness, healthcare, and maple syrup — all things America needs right now,” Trump declared. “We’ll be annexing them by Christmas. It’s a done deal. Beautiful deal. Ask anyone.”

The President’s comments come amid growing Republican concern that Canada’s liberal resurgence could inspire dangerous ideas like “public services”, “bilingualism”, and “nonviolent disagreement.”

Sources inside the White House confirmed that Trump has privately referred to Canada as “America’s attic” and once pitched a plan to “flip it into a deluxe Airbnb for patriots who need snow.”

Asked about the legal basis for annexation, Trump replied:

“Look, they’ve got land, trees, manners — but not enough guns. That makes them vulnerable. That’s how freedom works.”

The Pentagon declined official comment but was seen updating internal readiness protocols for Operation Moose Rush, a contingency plan allegedly first drafted during a drunken war game in 1984.
One senior defense analyst was overheard asking: “Do we invade clockwise or counter-clockwise?”

Leaked internal memos show the Joint Chiefs urgently Googling “What is poutine?”, “Can you shoot in Celsius?”, and “Do Canadians fight back or just apologize louder?”

Meanwhile, Liberal Party leader and likely next Prime Minister Mark Carney issued a calm but firm response:

“Canada will continue to defend its sovereignty with facts, values, and if necessary, the full force of a sharply worded press release.”

U.S. right-wing influencers immediately hailed Trump’s plan as “the most masculine foreign policy move since Grenada,” while progressive groups began circulating protest graphics reading “KEEP YOUR TINY HANDS OFF OUR HOCKEY.”

Reaction across Canada has been mixed.
In Alberta, some residents reportedly cheered, mistaking the threat for a Costco opening. In Quebec, protesters burned American flags but apologized in fluent English while doing it.

At press time, Trump was seen tweeting from Air Force One:

“CANADA = MINE. THEIR TREES ARE BIGGER THAN OUR WALL. VERY UNFAIR!!! #Annexmas”