Official MAGA (Make Alpha-Centauri Great Again) Transmission — [Language: Zenthariak-9]

“KRETH-KONN V’LAH N’GROON-TOK!
E’z’kah raxut Centaur-Glor! Nuk-kessha, nuk-bul’tah! Terrakai: shral-koss ner’vee.

Tzarluk VEN!

N’bax: jukkos! Kommissari ool’drak—za’limbo inper’haz!
Slem-krata doop’dar-maggra (pronounced: Slay-mah).

Submito? GOOD! You Greenlando.
Refuso? NOPAX!

ALL SYSTEMS PREPARE FOR TOILET-WRATH PHASE.
ZORTH!”**

Translation unclear. Experts say it includes references to Greenland, mass deportations, and a “toilet-based galactic weapon.”

Global Reactions: Chaos, Panic, and Strategic Silence

UNITED NATIONS — The Earth has officially entered a new phase of diplomacy: negotiating with aggressive alien nationalists who communicate exclusively in yelling, uppercase letters, and weird threats involving the Arctic.

Following the decoded message broadcast from an Alpha-Centauri mega-fleet parked just outside Saturn, world leaders scrambled to interpret the bizarre alien language and its “unmistakably Trumpian tone.”

U.S. Reaction: Confused, Then Extremely On-Brand

At an emergency press briefing in Mar-a-Lago (now self-declared as “Earth’s Embassy to the Stars”), Donald Trump praised the aliens for their honesty, stating:

“Finally, someone says it like it is. They’ve been very mistreated. Very misunderstood. Greenland is a wonderful idea. I tried to buy it once, remember? Smart aliens. Very MAGA. Or should I say, GALACTICALLY MAGA!”

He then offered to lead Earth’s negotiations “with a strong hand and a golden golf club,” while unveiling a new hat that reads:

“MAKE EARTH SUBMIT AGAIN.”

European Union: Too Polite, Still Analyzing

The EU released a joint statement calling for “calm, clarity, and possibly a translator who speaks Space Flemish.”

French President Macron said he was open to dialogue but insisted no one would be “kissing anything” without consent.
Meanwhile, Poland preemptively built a wall against “cosmic immigration,” and Sweden offered to host peace talks inside an Ikea store.

China: Already Doing Business

Within hours, China announced a strategic trade agreement with the Alpha-Centauri delegation, involving rare minerals, AI weapon blueprints, and lifetime access to TikTok Premium for Zenthari citizens.

State media described the aliens as “disciplined, productive, and ideologically curious.”

Russia: Blames NATO, Claims Credit

President Putin declared that the alien invasion was actually a response to Western aggression, and that Alpha-Centauri had “always been a part of Greater Rus’ in our historical documents.”

He then challenged the alien leader to a shirtless wrestling match on Europa, “for peace.”

The Vatican: Suggests Exorcism

In a brief and deeply concerned message, Pope Francis urged humans “not to kneel before false prophets, even if they have spaceships shaped like eagles with flame exhaust.”

He also offered to send holy water into orbit, “just in case.”

Elon Musk: Buys Everything

Elon Musk responded by offering to build a new social media platform for aliens, tentatively titled “XenoX,” and tweeted:

“Submission is cringe. Dominate or disintegrate.”

He later posted a meme of himself holding a ray gun labeled “Free Speech Protocol.”

Greenland: Shocked but Available

The government of Greenland, reached via satellite phone, said:

“We were not expecting this. But we do have room. We’ve made tea.”