ROME — In what’s already being described by confused insiders as “the most insane thing to happen at the Vatican since the Cadaver Synod,” a newly leaked memo has emerged alleging that a coalition of ultra-conservative figures—including Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and ex-Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò—tried to orchestrate a coup within the Holy See.

According to documents obtained by an anonymous Swiss Guard armed with a conscience and a burner phone, the plot—code-named "Project Benediction 2.0"—involved replacing Pope Francis with a synthetic spiritual authority more in line with “Western values, ancient tradition, and the vibes of 1776.”

The memo suggests that Musk was tasked with designing the AI Pope prototype, while Trump would serve as “global moral consultant” and Viganò as “chief confessor slash exorcist emeritus.”

Financing for the project allegedly came from a shadowy Chinese venture capital group known only as “Xi-nners” and was funneled through offshore rosary farms in Malta. The documents claim the operation was triggered by a falsified report that George Soros was preparing to baptize the Moon using holy water “infused with gender ideology.”

“MAKE VATICAN GREAT AGAIN” CAPS FOUND NEAR CATACOMBS

A Vatican archivist speaking under strict anonymity confirmed the story, stating that “strange activity began back in 2022”, when several cardinals were seen receiving mysterious gold-leafed envelopes signed simply: “D.J.T.”

“It wasn’t subtle,” the archivist said. “One of them even wore a MAGA zucchetto to midnight mass.”

Other leaked items include:

  • A Latin prayer rewritten by Viganò to include the phrase “America First, Amen.”

  • A Tesla-branded incense burner with Gregorian chant speakers.

  • And blueprints for a papal throne that doubles as a Twitter command center.

POPE FRANCIS RESPONDS: “LOL.”

Reached for comment, Pope Francis reportedly reviewed the leaked memo and responded by muttering “Ma questi sono scemi” under his breath, then returning to his game of Wordle.

The Pontiff later posted a cryptic message on Vatican X (formerly Twitter):

“Let us pray for those who mistake power for holiness. Also, don’t plug USBs into relics.”

CHINA DENIES INVOLVEMENT, BLAMES SOROS

The Chinese Foreign Ministry swiftly denied any connection to “Project Benediction,” though a spokesperson noted, “We wouldn’t be opposed to managing the Vatican’s app store in the future.”

Soros, when reached for comment, simply blinked three times, which some online theorists have interpreted as confirmation, denial, and a warning all at once.

DEEP VATICAN STRIKES BACK

As rumors swirl, the Vatican has reportedly reactivated its ultra-secretive unit known as “Deep Vatican”, a faction of Jesuits, retired Swiss Guards, and one extremely dangerous nun trained in digital counterintelligence and slap-based discipline.

Their job? To locate the source of the leak, contain Musk’s “AI Pope.exe,” and dismantle Viganò’s rogue confessional radio network broadcasting nightly from an undisclosed location in Umbria.

CONCLUSION: CONFUSION, CHAOS, AND THEODICY.COIN

As of now, it’s unclear if any arrests will be made or if the leaked memo is even real. However, the Vatican gift shop has already begun selling “I Survived the AI Pope Crisis” mugs, and Elon Musk has reportedly trademarked the term “Blessed by Blockchain.”

Meanwhile, Trump posted a statement declaring:

“The Vatican used to be strong, believe me. Now it’s full of woke bishops and low-energy saints. Sad!”

In response, Pope Francis is rumored to be drafting a new encyclical tentatively titled: Deus Est, Ma Non Così Tanto.