Los Angeles, CA — The United States has officially entered its “gut era.” According to a new health report, over 80% of Americans now rank gut health above religion, romance, and remembering their own birthday.

This comes as a wave of influencers, dietitians, and vaguely certified "gut coaches" flood the wellness space, urging citizens to “heal from the inside out, literally.”

“My gut tells me things now,” said influencer @DigestiveGoddess. “Like when Mercury’s in retrograde or when my ex is emotionally constipated.”

Health agencies are scrambling to adjust. The CDC now recommends daily offerings to the yogurt gods, and public school lunches have swapped milk cartons for shots of room-temperature kefir.

🧫 PROBIOTICS RISE, FRIENDSHIPS FALL

Americans are getting picky about their bacterial blends. New dating apps let users filter matches by gut biome compatibility, and a recent divorce case cited “irreconcilable microbiomes” as legal grounds for separation.

“I found out his bacteria were inflammatory,” said one plaintiff. “I just can’t build a future on dysbiosis.”

Meanwhile, kombucha kegs are replacing office water coolers, and Whole Foods has opened its first fermented-only grocery aisle, complete with mood lighting and sitar music.

🛐 GUT CULTS, GUT CHURCHES, AND GUT-BASED CRYPTO

A spiritual movement known as The Order of the Sacred Microbiome™ now gathers in converted yoga studios across the country, chanting things like “Heal the gut, free the soul” and offering communion in the form of probiotic gummies.

Their cryptocurrency, GutCoin, is mined using sourdough starters and emotional vulnerability.

“It’s not just health,” said Gut Guru Bowelton IX. “It’s the gut revolution. And yes, we take Venmo.”

⚠️ BACKLASH FROM THE FLATULENT MASSES

Not everyone is thrilled. Gas-prone citizens are calling for a “Balanced Digestive Policy”, arguing that the new obsession with fermentation is “toxic, literally.”

“You can’t expect me to live on miso and hope,” one protester yelled, holding a sign that read “We the People Deserve French Fries.”

Some states have already banned sauerkraut in public schools, citing “olfactory assault,” while Texas has declared war on kimchi.

🧠 SCIENCE OR SCAM? WHO CARES, AS LONG AS YOU’RE REGULAR

Critics warn that the trend is more marketing than medicine, with supplement companies selling gut health kits that include rebranded yogurt, chakra stickers, and a handwritten note from Dr. Oz’s intern.

Despite the skepticism, Americans remain committed to healing their gut—even if their brain is still full of crap.