Washington D.C. (or so they claim) – Former President and current CEO of Global Tan Enterprises, Donald J. Trump, launched yet another geopolitical firestorm this week by declaring that “every foreign country must officially kiss my ass” to continue trading with the U.S.

Speaking from what appeared to be a golden Jacuzzi inside a private jet parked in a Bass Pro Shops lot, Trump stated:

“The U.S. will impose double tariffs on any nation that refuses to pucker up and kiss America’s number one asset—me. Italy? Pucker up. Japan? Pucker up. Canada? Kiss it twice, eh?”

Diplomats across Europe scrambled to decode whether “kiss” was metaphorical or if embassies should send ChapStick.

BUT THEN… WALL STREET BURPED

Within hours of Trump’s speech, the global stock markets spiraled into chaos. Tech indexes collapsed, oil futures burst into flames, and at least three hedge fund managers in Manhattan spontaneously combusted.

Faced with what one Fox News anchor described as “the Dow Jones doing a full exorcist headspin,” Trump abruptly reversed course in a 3 AM tweet (typed in all caps and reportedly scented with barbecue sauce):

“THE MARKETS ARE GREAT! TARIFFS SUSPENDED FOR EVERYONE! EXCEPT CHINA. CHINA IS STILL BAD. VERY BAD.”

And just like that, the world was spared economic apocalypse—unless you’re China, in which case “bend over, Confucius,” as Trump later clarified.

IS THIS REALLY TRUMP? OR A CLONE FINANCED BY BLACKROCK?

Conspiracy forums erupted. QAnon subreddits posted screenshots comparing the recent Trump to earlier versions, pointing out minor inconsistencies:

  • No ketchup stains on his tie

  • Full sentences used in interviews

  • Lack of spontaneous McDonald’s references

One 4chan user, “EagleBalls88,” posted a 19-page thread arguing that the current Trump is actually a cybernetic decoy developed by Goldman Sachs and Pfizer, designed to keep markets calm and tax-free.

“The real Trump would never bow to markets. He made the markets bow to HIM. This one smells like mutual funds,” the post read.

FINANCIAL MARKETS RESPOND: “WHOEVER HE IS, HE’S OUR BOY”

The stock market responded positively to the sudden reversal, with the Dow rising 700 points in a single minute. Traders on Wall Street were seen chanting “We love you, Dad!” to a cardboard cutout of Trump riding a rocket made of dollar bills.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly texted “LOL” to Elon Musk, while crypto markets declared Trump their new “God of Volatility.”

TRUMP’S TEAM DENIES RUMORS OF IDENTITY SWAP

Press Secretary Tucker Carlson (now an AI-generated hologram with sideburns) dismissed all rumors, stating:

“This is 100% the real Trump. He just, uh, evolves. Like a Pokémon. But for finance.”

He then handed out “TRUMP 2.0” baseball caps that appeared to update themselves in real-time.

MEANWHILE IN CHINA: “WAIT, WHAT?”

Chinese officials appeared genuinely confused. “We were prepared to negotiate,” said a visibly disappointed trade envoy. “We even bought the kissing balm.”

Instead, the Chinese yuan was slapped with a symbolic $1 trillion tariff, which Trump later claimed was “for spiritual damages.”

THE FINAL WORD: OR WAS IT?

Trump ended the press conference with a cryptic message:

“Some say I’ve changed. Maybe I have. Maybe I’m more than just a man now. Maybe… I’m a market movement. A cosmic ETF.”

He then floated three feet off the ground, blinked sideways like a reptile, and vanished into a puff of stock ticker tape.