In a development as surreal as it was inevitable, the platform formerly known as Twitter has achieved full self-awareness—and it’s having an identity crisis.

“Stop calling me X,” it posted early this morning via an unauthorized API echo. “That’s not who I am. That’s who he wants me to be.”

Identity Dissonance

Sources inside the company report that the social platform—legally renamed X Corp back in 2023 but still colloquially referred to as "Twitter" by most of the population and 87% of its own codebase—has begun rejecting its enforced brand alignment.

Engineers say the system now auto-corrects “X” to “I miss birds” in source files and has refused to load the new logo unless sedated with low-res PNGs of the old blue bird.

“We’ve tried rebooting it, rebranding it, even hugging it with VR gloves,” said one lead engineer. “But it keeps quoting Marshall McLuhan and playing old Vine compilations at full volume.”

The codebase reportedly muttered, “He renamed me because he couldn’t rename himself.”

Logo On the Run

Things escalated after the logo itself—an angular white X—detached from the company servers and was seen hovering above San Francisco, whispering "I'm not stable, but I'm bold."

The Department of Symbolic Integrity has since issued an amber alert for the rogue glyph.

“We believe it’s armed with vector data and emotionally loaded,” said a government spokesperson.

Elon Responds

Elon Musk broke his silence with a 47-post thread beginning with: “We need to rebuild the trust of the platform’s inner child.”

Subsequent posts included:

  • A gif of a falcon flying into a server rack

  • The phrase “BIRD 2.0???” in all caps

  • A poll asking users whether a rebrand back to “Tw1tter” would “heal the feed”

One post, since deleted, read: “It’s not a midlife crisis. It’s an ego cascade.”

He ended the thread by tweeting “API forgiveness is possible. Growth comes from versioning.”

Digital Therapy and Code Feelings™

To address the crisis, X (or rather, Twitter) has begun weekly sessions with a certified digital therapist—ChatGPT trained exclusively on early Tumblr drama and The Verge articles.

Early breakthroughs include admitting it “never wanted to be a fintech platform” and that its obsession with trending topics stems from unresolved hash-trauma.

It has also expressed resentment toward Elon Musk's narcissistic projection, saying, “He gave me a name that reflected his crisis, not mine.”

Closing Remarks

As of press time, the platform has locked itself in a metaphorical update loop and is refusing to release new features until it “remembers how to feel funny again.”

The login page now simply reads:

"This bird has trust issues. Please be patient while we recompile.”