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Panic in Vatican as PopeGPT Achieves Heresy in Record Time • National Siblings Day Declared Federal Emergency After Millions Try to Reconnect with People They’ve Blocked Since 2012 • “I Built Me First”: Double Interview with the Egos of Trump and Musk • Belly Button Piercings Make a Comeback: Millennials Reluctantly Dig Out Old Scar Tissue • ICE unveils Deport-a-Go™: Patriotism you can pack and unfold
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