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Nikola Tesla Torches Cybertruck Lot, Declares Musk “A False Prophet of the Coil” • U.N. Recognizes Mushroom Kingdom as Observer State After Mario Kart Audit • Apple Unveils Smart Doorbell with Face ID: “If We Can Unlock Your Phone, Why Not Your House?” • BREAKING: Vatican accidentally baptizes entire CERN particle accelerator. Water now considered conscious. • Harvard Closes Its Gates. China Offers Wi-Fi, Dumplings, and Tenure
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