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BREAKING: Florida Governor Approves “Thought Loyalty Tests” for All Public Employees, Says Anyone Who Dreams in Blue or Feels Empathy After 11 PM May Be a Federal Plant or AI Sentient Threat • Fur and Fury: Lab Mice Exposed to 4chan Begin Hoarding Beans, Quoting Conspiracies • Nikola Tesla Returns, Admits Arson: “I Burned the Self-Driving Cars” • New Government Program Accidentally Turns Entire Nation into Real-Life Episode of Black Mirror • U.S. Launches “Don’t Get Sick” Wellness Campaign
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