New Miracle Weight-Loss Pill Works—As Long As You Don’t Eat, Sleep, or Breathe
Side effects include thinness, bankruptcy, and spiritual awakening via hunger.
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The rich are weird and influencers are real (unfortunately).
U.S. Slashes Health Research Budget: “Who Needs Science When You’ve Got Faith and WebMD?”
Cancer research canceled, experts fired, and TikTok influencers hired to explain medicine via lip-syncs.
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Belly Button Piercings Make a Comeback: Millennials Reluctantly Dig Out Old Scar Tissue
Gen Z calls it iconic. Millennials call it a recovery room flashback.
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Belichick’s Girlfriend Enters Miss Maine Pageant: “I Just Want a Ring He’ll Actually Give Me”
24-year-old Jordon Hudson hopes to win a crown, since Super Bowl rings seem… emotionally unavailable.
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Obama Divorce Rumors Spark Chaos: "Even Hope and Change Are Sleeping in Separate Rooms"
Sources say Barack blames Michelle for hiding the last slice of arugula pizza; Michelle claims he’s emotionally married to Netflix.
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