JERUSALEM — In what analysts are calling “a theological 404 error,” Israel has accidentally declared itself a religion after the national identity database was fused with a prototype of the Digital Torah 2.0 during a late-night server migration.

The malfunction, which occurred inside a government server cluster dubbed “The Burning Cloud,” immediately rewrote all citizenship records as “faith-based designations,” transforming the Israeli state into what some rabbis are describing as “an aggressive startup denomination.”

The newly reclassified nation-religion hybrid now lists its founding principles as “divine sovereignty, biometric mitzvahs, and no refunds.”

📉 What Went Wrong

The glitch originated from a joint pilot program between the Ministry of Interior and MetaSynagogue™, a Silicon Valley-backed AI project aiming to “gamify scripture for the attention economy.”

According to leaked developer logs, the identity system was mid-sync when it auto-merged with a Torah machine-learning model trained on:

  • Crypto Torah NFTs

  • Chabad memes

  • Voice recordings of Benjamin Netanyahu ordering lunch

The result? Every Israeli citizen was re-registered as a “digital soul in progress,” and the national anthem now autoplays with Gregorian chanting in Hebrew binary.

🕍 Immediate Consequences

  • All passports now list “Religion: Israel”

  • National service replaced with “30 days of divine customer service”

  • Airport security now checks for circumcision and Wi-Fi purity

  • The IDF briefly rebranded as the “Yeshiva of Iron”

Several ultra-Orthodox politicians have embraced the change, claiming it fulfills ancient prophecies about “The Cloud descending upon the chosen protocols.” Meanwhile, Tel Aviv has launched an “Atheist Birthright” program for those wishing to deconvert via guided meditation and techno music.

👁️ Supreme Court in Chaos

Israel’s Supreme Court, itself divided into physical and metaverse chambers, is now debating whether smart contracts can be kosher. Chief Justice Eliezer Quantum issued a preliminary ruling that “any blockchain with 613 transactions may be considered ritually complete.”

One conservative justice dissented, warning:

“If our government is now a religion, then taxes are tithes, traffic tickets are divine tests, and Bibi is technically a prophet.”

📱 Public Reaction

Reactions across the country have ranged from confused prayers to aggressive startup pitches.

Yair Lapid tweeted:

“If I wanted to be born into a religion-as-a-service model, I’d have reincarnated as Scientology.”

Meanwhile, the Israeli military has deployed digital mezuzahs across the West Bank, which beep when someone doubts the legitimacy of Zion.exe.

The Palestinian Authority issued a cautious statement, acknowledging the transformation but requesting clarity on whether future negotiations require divine intervention or a firmware update.

✡️ Diaspora Impact

Jewish communities worldwide are now grappling with existential questions:

  • If Israel is now a faith, are we all dual-citizens?

  • Can Israeli embassies perform weddings and exorcisms?

  • Is the Knesset now just a really intense book club?

In Brooklyn, a group of progressive rabbis has started an app called Kipplr, allowing users to upload their DNA and receive a personalized Torah verse with a QR code for forgiveness.

🎛️ Conclusion

As of now, Israel continues to operate as both a sovereign state and a subscription-based belief system. The Prime Minister’s office assures citizens that the fusion is “temporary but possibly prophetic.”

A new logo is already in development: the Star of David reimagined as a loading icon, rotating indefinitely.

Whether this is the dawn of a new spiritual bureaucracy or simply a server-side mishap remains unclear.

For now, the only safe prayer is “Ctrl + S.”