TALLAHASSEE, FL — In a move that critics are calling “alarmingly retro-futurist,” Florida Governor Ron Grunter has signed into law SB-1984, mandating daily thought loyalty tests for all public employees. The tests, administered via smart pillowcases and ocular heat-mapping software, are designed to detect “anti-patriotic neural drift,” also known as empathy.

“It’s not enough to say you love America. You have to dream it,” Governor Grunter shouted at a press conference from the steps of a Tesla-branded megachurch. “If your subconscious betrays liberty, you might be a fed. Or worse — a woke cloud.”

Under the new legislation, all state teachers, DMV workers, toll booth operators, and janitors will be required to wear state-issued “PatriotSleep™ Neural Compliance Bands” while sleeping. The bands monitor REM patterns, color-association spikes, and any “emotionally compromised synaptic loops after 11 PM.”

“That’s when the subversive thoughts come,” explained Dr. Kendra Zogg, lead neurologist at Florida’s new Center for Woke Neutralization. “We’ve found empathy levels spike between 11:03 PM and 3:11 AM. That’s prime Deep State dream-harvest time.”

📊 How It Works

  • Employees are scanned for:

    • Dreams involving rainbows, hugging, or unionized animals

    • Emotional responses to children’s laughter

    • Sympathy toward fictional characters facing eviction

  • “High-risk dreamers” receive:

    • Mandatory reconditioning in MAGA-branded float tanks

    • A 72-hour dopamine detox

    • A free subscription to “Truth Social for Kids”

A whistleblower from inside the pilot program claimed at least 13 school nurses have been “flagged for dreaming about climate refugees hugging dolphins” and are currently under sedation in a facility disguised as a Buc-ee’s.

Governor Grunter denies any resemblance to thought policing, stating:

“This is freedom verification. If you pass, you’re free. If you fail… well, maybe you’re better off in California.”

🤖 AI Involvement Rumors

Unconfirmed reports suggest the scanning software was licensed from a now-defunct Pentagon project called “Operation REM-Sifter,” which was originally designed to identify sleeper agents and baristas with anarchist tattoos.

The software, now rebranded as DreamGuard360, reportedly classifies emotions on a scale from “God-fearing” to “social worker.” Anyone scoring below “Nationalist Anxiety” is automatically scheduled for a loyalty debrief.

🌐 National Response

The White House, currently barricaded inside a 3D-printed bunker beneath Disney World, declined to comment. Meanwhile, Texas Governor Greg Abbott tweeted, “Florida is finally catching up. We’ve been scanning for internal contradictions since 2023. I haven’t had a dream in two years and I’ve never felt safer.”

Canadian officials issued a vague warning to citizens traveling south:

“If you think freely, try not to sleep in Florida.”

✝️ Religious Angle

The Evangelical Tech Coalition of America has praised the law, calling it “the first truly Christian approach to subconscious accountability.”

“If God knows your heart, the state should too,” said Pastor Mike Dronefield during his livestream from a cryo-chapel in Naples.

🧠 Conclusion

As of this morning, over 41,000 Florida public employees have reported “stressful sleep and mild hallucinations,” with several attempting to plead the Fifth inside their own dreams.

Governor Grunter is expected to expand the program statewide by July, with early versions of “thought insurance”being beta-tested in Tallahassee. Residents are advised to avoid empathy, ambiguity, or emotional nuance between 10 PM and sunrise.

Because in Florida, your dreams belong to the state.