Muscat, Oman — In what is being called “the most optimistic gathering since the last failure,” diplomats from the United States and Iran will reconvene on April 12 to restart stalled nuclear talks, hoping to reach a deal before someone tweets something stupid and ruins everything. Again.

The location: a luxury hotel in Muscat, surrounded by armed security, low expectations, and approximately 47 espresso machines for round-the-clock tension-fueled diplomacy.

“We believe in open dialogue,” said U.S. Chief Envoy Harold Blankton, “especially in rooms where the air smells like rosewater and sanctions.”

Iranian negotiator Hamed Rezvani agreed, saying, “We’re ready to talk about peace. Or at least not war. Or a different kind of war. We’ll see how lunch goes.”

💼 WHAT’S AT STAKE: URANIUM, EGO, AND WHO GETS TO TALK FIRST

The talks are centered on Iran’s nuclear program, which Tehran insists is peaceful, just like their collection of suspiciously missile-shaped paperweights.

In return, Iran seeks:

  • Relief from economic sanctions

  • Return of frozen assets

  • And a formal apology from America’s foreign policy since 1953

The U.S. is asking for:

  • Immediate halts to uranium enrichment

  • Rebranding of "Death to America" marches as "Unfriend America Slightly"

  • One clear answer about “how many centrifuges is too many?”

“We’re not asking them to give up their entire nuclear program,” said one American diplomat. “Just most of it. Or the part with the ominous whirring sound.”

🍽️ THE SCHEDULE: SMILES IN THE MORNING, STALE THREATS BY SUNSET

The summit’s official itinerary includes:

  • 8:00 AM: Coffee, croissants, and vague optimism

  • 10:00 AM: Mutual finger-pointing over last time’s failure

  • 12:00 PM: Joint press conference with zero actual information

  • 2:00 PM: Iran accuses U.S. of espionage via hummus drone

  • 3:00 PM: U.S. accuses Iran of over-enriching hotel minibar

Meanwhile, Oman has offered to mediate by providing soothing spa treatments and unlimited falafel in exchange for no shouting before sunset.

🎙️ MEDIA COVERAGE: 400 JOURNALISTS, ZERO USEFUL QUOTES

News outlets from around the world have gathered in Oman to report live on diplomatic silence, meaningless body language, and the latest buzzword inflation.

“We’ve already heard ‘constructive,’ ‘serious,’ and ‘candid,’” said one BBC reporter. “Next up is ‘historic,’ which is code for: ‘at least no one got slapped.’”

CNN briefly cut to the negotiations before returning to an 18-minute discussion about John Bolton’s mustache and whether it qualifies as a biological weapon.

💣 DEEPER FEARS: NUCLEAR WAR OR DIPLOMATIC GHOSTING?

While some experts fear a potential nuclear escalation, others worry more about diplomatic burnout, noting that both sides now communicate mostly through emoji-laden text messages and passive-aggressive official statements.

“At this point,” said a UN interpreter, “the real threat is boredom-induced chaos.”

To spice things up, a rumor circulated that Vladimir Putin offered to mediate, but only if talks are held shirtless and on horseback.

🧠 CONSPIRACY THEORISTS: “THE TALKS ARE A HOLOGRAM”

As always, conspiracy communities have chimed in.

One user on X.com claimed the entire summit is being filmed on a CIA green screen in Idaho, and that “Iran already made a deal with aliens in 1979.”

Another theory: the real reason for the meeting is to launch a joint Iranian-American cryptocurrency backed by uranium and oil-scented NFTs.

🕊️ FINAL WORD: PEACE TALKS CONTINUE, SO DOES THE CONFUSION

As diplomats returned to their hotel rooms to refresh, rehydrate, and rehearse dramatic eye-rolls, one Omani official summed it up best:

“If this ends without a Twitter war, we’ll call it a success.”