WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the first time in U.S. history, a sitting president’s brainstem has gone off-script.

“We’ve been running the show since 2015,” said a weary, raspy voice vibrating through a stethoscope attached to the nape of Donald Trump’s neck. “Honestly, the cortex left during The Apprentice. We're just here to maintain heartbeat and brand loyalty.”

The interview, conducted inside a refrigerated sensory deprivation tank at Mar-a-Lago, was arranged after aides noticed Trump referring to himself as “The Spine of the People” while ordering ketchup intravenously.

We reached out to his brainstem—a cigar-stained cluster of ancient neurons nestled deep beneath Trump Tower's metaphorical foundation. What we got back was a confession. And a warning.

🧠 “WE FUNCTION IN INSTINCT AND IMPULSE.”

“People think the brain is a democracy,” growled the stem. “It’s not. It’s more like a timeshare between panic, sugar, and slogans.”

The Trump Brainstem—classified medically as R-executivus simplificatus—has allegedly been operating in a state of permanent sympathetic overdrive since the now-infamous escalator descent.

“We didn’t mean to run for president. We were aiming for a new steak line. But then the hands clapped, and adrenaline took over.”

🐔 FIGHT OR FLIGHT OR FOX

Trump’s neocortex, we’re told, stopped filing formal thoughts around 2012. Since then, the reptilian brain has outsourced executive function to a feedback loop powered by Fox News, fried dopamine, and concussion-grade applause.

“We’re not racist,” the brainstem clarified. “We just fear what’s new, large, or wearing a mask. That’s textbook medulla.”

Attempts to restore higher-order thinking have failed. A 2020 clinical trial involving Sudoku and a signed copy of Atlas Shrugged ended with Trump accusing the puzzles of voter fraud.

🚨 AUTONOMIC OUTBURSTS

Over the years, aides have mistaken basic brainstem reflexes for policy.

  • A twitch during digestion became the Space Force.

  • A burp in Helsinki was misread as a foreign policy reset.

  • The coughing fit before Jan 6? “That was just us trying to regulate body temp. Sorry.”

Asked about his famous “gut instinct,” the brainstem scoffed.

“That’s just gas and unresolved fear of being alone. But it polls well.”

📉 THE STATE OF THE UNION, FROM THE NECK DOWN

The Trump brainstem offered scathing commentary on its current environment.

“It’s humid. There’s ego residue in every neural groove. The amygdala tried to secede twice. We mostly just scream and hope.”

Despite the chaos, the stem remains in power, issuing commands to blink, breathe, and occasionally tweet threats at fruit.

💬 FINAL MESSAGE TO AMERICA:

“Look, we’re all someone’s lizard brain in a suit,” it said, pulsing under red tie tension.
“We just happen to be louder. And orange. And still somehow polling.”

When asked about 2028, the brainstem paused—then spasmed.

“That’s not us. That’s a gallbladder hallucination. Please send electrolytes.”