Florida Man Baptizes 17 Alligators in Wendy’s Parking Lot, Claims “They Found Jesus Faster Than My Ex-Wife”
Arrested mid-sermon, the man spoke in tongues, splashed Mountain Dew as holy water, and accused Wendy’s of harboring reptilian heretics.
ORLANDO, FL —
A Florida man was arrested Sunday after baptizing 17 live alligators behind a Wendy’s. Clad in a wet American flag poncho and armed with a cooler of Mountain Dew, he declared the gators "saved by reptilian grace" and more spiritually open than his ex-wife.
“They showed more faith than she ever did,” he shouted, while speaking in tongues and humming Sweet Home Alabama in reverse.
Witnesses initially thought it was a viral stunt. “We assumed he worked for Wendy’s marketing,” said one shift leader. “Until he anointed a gator with a nugget and yelled ‘REPENT, YE SCALY SINNERS!’”
The man reportedly belongs to the Church of Swamp Redemption™, a decentralized faith group headquartered in a Bass Pro Shop.
Each gator was submerged in a kiddie pool labeled HOLY GATORADE, then offered communion fries and “forgiveness by splash.”
Florida Fish and Wildlife intervened after a fourth gator attempted to ascend a drive-thru speaker. All reptiles were later relocated. Staff report they seem “unusually calm” and “possibly blessed.”
Before arrest, the man warned:
“The End is near. And it’s deep-fried.”
